McCain announces plan: marketize, privatize, deregulate

Senator John McCain, under criticism for not being specific enough about his policies, has announced a comprehensive plan for solving all of American’s problems. The problem, according to McCain, is government. The solution is to marketize, privatize, and deregulate government, starting with the war in Iraq.

“As Commander-in-Chief,” said McCain, in an address announcing the plan, “I will marketize, privatize, and deregulate the war and make it profitable within 90 days.

“I will privatize it by immediately selling the bureaucratic and inefficient Department of Defense to entrepreneurial companies like Halliburton and Blackwater who will quickly turn a war that costs taxpayers billions into a profitable business that creates jobs for Americans.

“I will deregulate our new soldier-entrepreneurs so they are not only freed from the Geneva Conventions, the Universal Declaration of Human rights, and United States Law, as our current soldiers are, but also from the tyranny of the bureaucratic military codes imposed by the former Department of Defense and the inefficiencies of congressional oversight. This will help them quickly achieve their profitability goals.”

“And I will fully marketize the war it by expanding our program of buying the loyalty of Iraqi tribal leaders. We will create an Open Iraq Loyalty Market where everyone’s loyalty can be bought and sold at transparent market-driven prices. We will achieve peace when every Iraqi can be bought—with Iraq’s own money—and at a profit to Blackwater, Haliburton, and the United States.”

“While the war is being marketized, privatized, and deregulated I will also marketize, privatize, and deregulate the rest of our government, starting with health care and Social Security. ”

“And I will complete the job that we Republicans have already started, of marketizing, privatizing, and deregulating the slow, costly, and inefficient process of choosing our Senators, Representatives, and our next President.”