A recent study by the Department of Specious Statistics (DSS) shows that the number of homicides committed by disgruntled postal workers has dropped since the United States Postal Service instituted its Anti-disgruntling campaign in 1994.
“Before we paid attention to how gruntled our employees were,” said Brad Fitch, the Postal Service’s Director of Employee Gruntlement, “a postal worker would get disgruntled and before you knew it they'd kill a dozen or two of their co-workers. But since 1995 when we started our proactive Workplace Gruntification program, only one postal worker has killed anyone, and then a mere six people many of whom seemed to deserve it.”
The gruntlement program addresses gruntation issues at every level including gruntability training for supervisors, gruntowerment sessions for employees, and regular assessment of gruntitelement levels through both psychological profiles and by checking Gruntol levels in blood and urine. Gruntol is a hormone believed to cause feelings of gruntlement, and low gruntol levels have been correlated with disgruntlement and violence.
The DSS has recommended that Gruntability Training be expanded to the entire federal workforce including the Army, Navy, and Air Force, but excluding the Marines, where disgruntlement and accompanying homicidal tendencies are highly valued.
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