With control of Congress and the White House at stake, Republicans and Democrats are in a frantic bidding war for the coveted Al-Qaeda presidential endorsement. Whoever wins will be rewarded with video in which Osama bin Laden will speak in favor of the other party. Analysts believe that this could influence as many as 20 million voters.
To ensure they win this important political prize, Republicans, have already more than doubled their 2000 offer to Al-Qaeda. And each time Senataor Larry Craig visits a mens room they raise the offer still further.
"A deal with Al-Qaeda is a smart investment," said an anonymous highly-placed knowledgeable source in the Bush campaign from behind bars, "By paying to get their support for Kerry in 2000- we showed the American people which party knew how to get the job done."
"It won't be as easy for the Republicans this time," said Tim Merril, Chairman of the Democratic Party's Office of Officially Refuting Statements Made By Anonymous Highly Placed Knowledgeable Sources in the Republican party, "With our lead in fund raising," he continued, "we feel confident that we can beat any offer the they might come up with."
"Not necessarily so," said Hamid Al Qadari, an analyst for Taliban Caves Partners (TCP) a hedge fund that seems to have an uncanny ability to short the right stocks just before an Al-Qaeda attack. "Although the Democrats' direct offer may be higher, the Administration is considering a sort of short-term amnesty to allow Osama to come to the United States and speak directly on behalf of whoever the Democrats nominate. That would be hard for the Democrats to beat."
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