Al-Qaeda announces new social networking sites

Al-Qaeda No Liability Corporation (NLC) has announced three new Internet services for terrorists: an Internet terrorist social network called MyCave, a terrorist blog search called terrorati, and a social bookmarking service called mal.icio.us. All services will carry the al-Qaeda terror brand.

“These services unite the al-Qaeda terrorist network with other terrorist networks and with individual terrorists, creating both a worldwide social terrorist community and more efficient use of scarce terrorist resources,” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda, NLC. “Without mal.icio.us, for example, a terrorist looking for a good way to build a good dirty bomb might spend weeks Googling phrases like ‘dirty bomb’ that lead to high PageRank CIA sites with misleading information. With terrorati, the tag ‘dirtybomb’ leads the terrorists right to the most useful pages, as ranked by peers.”

The terrorati Blog search engine will help terrorists find the most popular terror Blogs so they can ‘learn from the experts.’ MyCave will let terrorists create their own home pages, share music and pictures with other terrorists, and find and identify to ‘friends’ with whom they can collaborate on social outrages. All three services will be supported by advertising, mainly by US based weapons and explosive companies.

"These announcements along with other al-Qaeda NLC announcements (TWR stories here, and here) are a sign that something big is up with al-Qaeda NLC, said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP). “We think that it may be the expected IPO (see TWR story).

Al-Qaeda Outsources Terror Opertions to Blackwater

Special report from secret operative RNS.

Discouraged that its 100,000th terrorist attack had been foiled by skilled and dedicated operatives of the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI) (see story here) al-Qaeda NLC's board of directors announced today that it was outsourcing terrorist operations to Blackwater, USA.

In a video recorded in an unidentified cave in an unidentified location, an unidentified al-Qaeda spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to be unanonymous, said that Blackwater was the logical partner to help al-Qaeda retain its majority share of the international terror market.

"This was a business decision, pure and simple,” noted the spokesman, who stipulated that these remarks were not to be attributed to him. “Blackwater has substantial assets, highly trained personnel, and a proven record for both terrorist tactics and for duping the US government, all the characteristics we needed in a partner."

Financial arrangements were resolved quickly as al-Qaeda is currently awash with money from its flag operations (story here), but compensation for martyred Blackwater operatives turned into the most difficult issue the two partners faced, the spokesman reported. Al-Qaeda had initially offered the standard Hadith-specified reward of 72 virgins per martyr (see here, here, and here for references). Blackwater accepted the offer, provided that the virgins were American. The al-Qaeda negotiating team pointed out that there were no American virgins older than age ten and offered Arab virgins instead. Blackwater refused the offer and negotiations stalled.

Finally, Osama Bin Laden personally stepped in and within 24 hours had hammered out a deal that upped the reward to 83 virgins per martyr, capped the number of martyrs based on successful missions, and gained agreement on European, Latin American and Japanese virgins.

"This will strengthen both Blackwater and al-Qaeda," said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP).

Al-Qaeda Making Millions on US Flags

The Wolf Report has just learned that most of Al-Qaeda’s revenue comes not through criminal activities and Al-Qaeda NLC's licensing, but through shadowy network of Chinese manufacturers who sell flags to patriotic Americans. The manufacturers are owned by Al-Qaeda.

According to our investigations, 12.1% of Al-Qaeda's revenue comes from smuggling, 4.78% from kidnapping, and 10.5% from licensing (see chart). The vast majority, 83.12%, comes through the purchase of flags.

“It’s diabolical,” said the reporter for The Wolf Report who operates deep within the Al-Qaeda network and who researched the story. “Whenever Al-Qaeda attacks, Americans buy flags. Their flag money goes straight back to the Chinese manufacturers, thence to Al-Qaeda, where it is used fund more attacks, which drives the purchase of more flags.”

The process started just before the 9/11 attacks when Bin Laden himself purchased controlling interests in all of the major flag manufacturers in China on behalf of Al-Qaeda Industries, a subsidiary of Al-Qaeda, NLC. When the attacks came, American citizens, companies, and governmental bodies bought millions of flags, producing more than $100 M in profits, estimated at 10 times the cost of the entire 9/11 operation.

“From a purely financial perspective this is brilliant,” said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP), “The 9/11 attack had a huge return on investment, not considering the increase in terror brand equity which was itself substantial. This makes terror a sustainable business and Al-Qaeda NLC an exceptional investment as long as Americans keep buying flags.” Al-Qaeda NLC is rumored to be preparing an initial public offering (here).

“It’s ironic, but true,” said Dean Matheson, spokesman for the Association of Defunct American Flag Manufacturers (ADAFM) “All those little towns in American that are flying flags. They think they are supporting our troops and showing their patriotism. But actually they are funding Al-Qaeda.”

Al-Qaeda NLC to start social networking site

The Wolf Report has learned that Al-Qaeda NLC, the organization licensing the Al-Qaeda terror brand, is working on an social networking site for Islamic women. The site, to be called I-cant-see-your-facebook.com will be launched in December, just before the rumored IPO.

"This diversifies Al-Qaeda's holding, which are overly concentrated in the suicide bomber and IED manufacturing sectors" said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP) . "By adding a social networking site to their portfolio they can present themselves as a more attractive investment while at the same time recruiting female bombers."

"Upon advice of our investment bankers" said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for Al-Qaeda, LLC, "we can neither confirm nor deny this rumored web site or the rumored IPO, which, if it were to happen might now be at a price of $12.00 to 14.00. Speaking hypothetically, of course."

Rumor: Al-Qaeda NLC planning IPO in 2008

The Wolf Report has learned that Al-Qaeda, NLC (No Liability Corporation)--the company that licenses the Al-Qaeda terror brand worldwide--is planning an initial public offering sometime in 2008. The stock will be listed on the New York Stock exchange and the ticker symbol will be either JHAD or AQDA.

"Upon advice of our investment bankers" said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for Al-Qaeda, LLC, and definitely not the guy who tipped us to the story "we can neither confirm nor deny this rumor, nor will we confirm the rumor that the opening price will be between $10.00 and $12.00 per share."

"This makes a great deal of sense from a supply and demand perspective" said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP) . "Portfolio managers have realized that in order to truly diversify that they must balance their investments in companies that might be targeted by terrorist organizations with shares in the terrorist organizations themselves.

"But if you look at the terror stocks you might invest in, they out there are regional and not all that good. I expect that Al-Qaeda, LLC will get a good price at this time. Probably between $10.00 and $12.00 per share."

Republicans, Democrats vie for Al-Qaeda Endorsement

With control of Congress and the White House at stake, Republicans and Democrats are in a frantic bidding war for the coveted Al-Qaeda presidential endorsement. Whoever wins will be rewarded with video in which Osama bin Laden will speak in favor of the other party. Analysts believe that this could influence as many as 20 million voters.

To ensure they win this important political prize, Republicans, have already more than doubled their 2000 offer to Al-Qaeda. And each time Senataor Larry Craig visits a mens room they raise the offer still further.

"A deal with Al-Qaeda is a smart investment," said an anonymous highly-placed knowledgeable source in the Bush campaign from behind bars, "By paying to get their support for Kerry in 2000- we showed the American people which party knew how to get the job done."

"It won't be as easy for the Republicans this time," said Tim Merril, Chairman of the Democratic Party's Office of Officially Refuting Statements Made By Anonymous Highly Placed Knowledgeable Sources in the Republican party, "With our lead in fund raising," he continued, "we feel confident that we can beat any offer the they might come up with."

"Not necessarily so," said Hamid Al Qadari, an analyst for Taliban Caves Partners (TCP) a hedge fund that seems to have an uncanny ability to short the right stocks just before an Al-Qaeda attack. "Although the Democrats' direct offer may be higher, the Administration is considering a sort of short-term amnesty to allow Osama to come to the United States and speak directly on behalf of whoever the Democrats nominate. That would be hard for the Democrats to beat."