Plan to stop climate change has unexpected benefits

While some are bemoaning record-breaking oil and gasoline prices, Bush administration officials are smiling. “Our market based approach for solving our nation’s problems is clearly working,” said one. “Without increasing taxes or creating a vast bureaucracy we have reduced green house gas emissions, decreased highway fatalities, increased the time that Americans spend with their families, eliminated major sources of air-pollution, reduced the environmental impact of visitors to our national park system, decreased the cost of maintaining our Interstate highway system, relieved overcrowded airports, reduced obesity, and encouraged more young men and women to join our nation’s military.”

Insiders also credit the program with making renewable energy sources—including solar, wind, and geothermal—more attractive, and with encouraging Americans to make lifestyle changes—such as freezing and starving—that will reduce the amount of oil they use.

As gasoline moves steadily toward the administration’s initial target price, $15 a gallon, analysts expect to see large numbers of gas guzzling SUVs replaced by a smaller number of fuel-efficient compact hybrids; to see large energy-wasting resource-consuming McMansions abandoned in favor of small, energy-efficient, recycled cardboard boxes; and to see millions of fat, lethargic Americans turned into lean, agile participants in an increasingly green and global economy.

Last minute Lakers heroics cut Celtics lead to 39

Los Angeles Lakers Luke Walton’s clutch free throw, made with just 30 seconds left in the game, destroyed the Boston Celtics hopes of beating the Lakers by more than 40 points in the sixth game of this year’s NBA Finals. The free throw capped off a 7-3 Lakers surge during the final, exciting, 1:22 and cut the Celtics lead from a game high 43 points to a mere 39. A Jordan Farmar three-point shot and a Sasha Vujacic jumper rounded out the flurry of Lakers scoring.

“Speaking as the world’s greatest basketball player,” said Lakers guard Kobe Bryant, the world’s greatest basketball player, “it was great to see the other guys step up and cut into the Celtics lead.” Bryant, who left the game at the 2:21 mark with 22 points was replaced by Vujacic who had scored 5 critical points before his last minute jumper ballooned his point total to 7.

“We couldn’t get it done,” said crestfallen Celtics forward Kevin Garnett. “We had a chance to make history, and we blew it. Winning the championship is some consolation, but you get a chance to beat the Lakers by more than 40 points about once a century. We flat out weren’t able to hold them off.”

“It would have been easy for our guys to give up when they were 43 points behind,” said Lakers coach Phil Jackson, “but they never quit. They stepped up. They did what they needed to do, even with the world's greatest basketball player sitting on the bench. I'm proud of every member of our team, especially the world's greatest basketball player, who was willing to let his teammates show what they were made of.”

Obama to undergo sex change operation

In order to create unity within the Democratic Party, presumptive nominee Barack Obama has pledged to undergo a sex change operation to become the party’s first black and female candidate.

“Woman deserve more than the Vice Presidency,” said Obama to a cheering crowd. “Senator Clinton’s tireless campaigning has earned women the right to be represented at the top of the ticket. To put Senator Clinton in a subordinate role would be an affront not only to her—but to women everywhere.”

“And while the candidate who has gotten the majority of delegate votes must be the nominee, that nominee can be both black and female if that candidate is willing to undergo a simple operation.”

“I am willing to undergo that operation, and as a female, to proudly carry on the work that Senator Clinton has started.”

“This is an important decision, and I have discussed it with my wife Michelle, who herself is a female, as are my two daughters both of whom are females, my white grandmother who is a female and who is descended from a long line of females.”

“I asked Michelle, ‘Can we make this kind of sacrifice for American?’ and do you know what Michelle said?”

“She said, ‘Yes we can.’”

Obama Iraq visit challenge a ploy

Presumptive Republican candidate John McCain has challenged Democratic front-runner, Barack Obama to visit Iraq. According to the Hillary Rodham Clinton campaign the invitation is a political ploy.

“If Senator Obama does not go to Iraq,” said Mary Dawes, an analyst for the Clinton campaign, “McCain will brand him a coward. If he does go, they will declare that Iraq is safe and McCain’s strategy has been a success. Either way, they believe, Senator Obama and the Democratic Party will lose.”

“But Senator Obama can turn the tables on McCain and help the Democratic Party win this election. He must take McCain’s challenge and go to Iraq. Then Senator Obama must make sure he is killed, ideally within just a few hours of arrival. That will prove that Iraq is not safe, that the Republicans have failed, and McCain was wrong. It also means that that Osama bin Laden wants John McCain to be elected President, not Barack Obama.”

“Once Senator Obama has been killed in the service of his nation and his party, Senator Clinton will deliver the funeral oration that she has rewritten to honor Senator Obama’s bravery; then she will become the Democratic nominee; then she will beat McCain in the November election; and then she will build a memorial in Senator Obama’s honor, the nation's first honoring an inexperienced Black Senator."

“Now it’s up to Senator Obama to decide: does he want his party to win, or not? And does he want a nice memorial?”

Plans for the memorial along with a link to the revised funeral oration will be posted soon at: http://www.hillaryclinton.com/obama_sacrifice_memorial.

Superdelegates votes auctioned on eBay

A group of superdelegates, calling themselves "Democratic market makers" have opened a site on eBay where they will sell vote pledges using the eBay auction system. Pledges will be auctioned each week until a Democratic candidate has been selected.

"We will accept bids from all qualified candidates, not just Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama," said Dean Furst, auction manager for the group. "That includes Dennis Kucinich, Ralph Nader, and also John McCain and Mitt Romney. Democrats may want to bid in order to end the nominating process. Republicans will want to bid to prolong it."

"Markets are what make democracy work," said presumptive Republican candidate John McCain, speaking about something entirely different, yet still quotable in this context.

Candidates disown political liabilities

“A man should live by his words,” said presidential hopeful Barack Obama, as he disowned both his black minister and his white grandmother. “When I said that I could no more disown Reverend Wright than I could disown my own white grandmother, I meant it” he explained. “America’s leaders must avoid sentimental attachments if those attachments stand in the way of governing.”

“I hoped someone would say that,” replied presumptive nominee John McCain, as he filed papers formally disowning President George W. Bush.

“While I still do not believe that Senator Obama is experienced, electable, or half white,” said Democratic candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton, “I am taking this opportunity to disown my husband, Bill; my entire campaign staff; my husband, Bill; the millions of voters who did not and will not vote for me; and, of course, my husband, Bill.”

Latest Clinton strategy planned

The latest example of aggressive, winner-take-all, bare-knuckle politics from the Hillary Rodham Clinton team is their new campaign: “Vote for the bitch.”

The campaign includes videos, buttons and placards that celebrate Hillary’s meanness, spitefulness, and nastiness, and point out how those qualities will serve the American people when she is elected president.

“America doesn’t want someone who is going to bake cookies for Osama bin Laden. We want someone who is going to rip his balls off,’ said Miranda DeWitt, who designed the campaign. “Hillary’s the one to do it.”

Obama considers dual candidacy

In an effort to capture more votes from whites while retaining strong support in the black community, candidate Barack Obama is considering a plan to run as two candidates.”

Obama staff are investigating the possibility of listing Obama twice on each ballot, once as Barack Obama and once as either Barry O’Bama or Barry Alabama.

The campaign is running focus groups to see which name is most attractive to the target demographic--stupid white voters--which numbers in the tens of millions, favors John McCain, and could determine the election.

McCain accuses Obama of flip-flopping on race

Presidential contender Barack Obama has been flip-flopping on race, says presumptive Republican candidate John McCain.

“One week he tries to appeal to white voters by saying he says he’s half white,” said McCain. “The next week he panders to black voters by saying he’s half black.”

“This is the kind of flip-flopping and issue-avoidance we’ve come to expect from Democrats.”

When asked about his own racial background, McCain said: “When you’ve been captured by the Vietnamese, held prisoner for hundreds of years and tortured thousands of times, race is no longer an issue.”

Clinton: I will be best candidate after the Obama assassination

In a speech that supporters described as “inspiring,” Hillary Rodham Clinton has announced that she will continue her campaign, not to win the nomination, but to give the Party it strongest candidate after Barack Obama’s assassination.

“Whether Obama is assassinated before the convention or whether he is assassinated while campaigning, the Democratic Party will need a candidate who is ready on day one—the day after the assassination” said Clinton.

“I am that candidate.”

“We will need someone who has prepared an inspiring funeral oration, who has practiced for months on end, and who will deliver it with energy and fire.”

“I am that person.”

“I am prepared to hunt down the assassins, even if they turn out to have been members of my own campaign. And when they are found, I will see that they get what they deserve.”

“I will unify the Party around the memory of the man who will have given his life to pursue the dream that I will carry forward, only less naively and more competently than he would have.”

“This is my pledge.”

Obama more white than black

In an effort to help their candidate’s appeal to racist white voters, the Barack Obama’s campaign has announced that scientific studies show that Obama is more white than black, and have started an advertising campaign publicizing the news.

“Barack Obama’s white genes come from his white mother and his black genes come from his black father,” said Professor Howard R. Middleton, a geneticist working for the campaign. “This means he that although his 22 evenly paired chromosomes have genes that are split 50:50—half from his mother and half from his father, But Obama, like every male has a 23rd pair with an X chromosome from his mother paired with a smaller Y chromosome from his father. Since the X chromosome, the white X chromosome, has more genes than the black Y chromosome, Obama is as much as 3% whiter than he is black.”

“This is good news indeed,” said Dale, “Joe Billy Bob” Spawnbrook, head of White Racists for Obama, a confused political organization headquartered in Biloxi, Mississippi.

The Obama campaign’s now must get the news out to the voting public and they are doing it with a new advertising campaign. The new ads show Obama surrounded by white people and close with one of two tag lines “Obama: not as black as he looks," and “Obama: whiter than you think.”

“We believe that this will help us in many districts,” said LaDawn Miller, a campaign strategist, “especially districts that are full of the kinds of embittered, racist, pin-headed, small-town yahoos that have voted for honkies like Hillary Clinton and in the past and that ofay John McCain in the future”

Obama to pre-empt McCain by attacking self

Democratic front-runner Barack Obama plans to limit the damage caused by attacks from the presumptive Republican nominee John McCain by attacking himself first.

“The American people know there are problems in everyone’s past,” said an Obama staffer. “The important thing is to get those problems out in the open. Once the American people get over the initial shock, they pretty much forget about it. The way to prevent an 11^th hour scandal from hurting Senator Obama is by creating that today, at 3:00.”

To head off McCain’s attacks, the Obama campaign is readying a series of advertisements highlighting out Obama’s character flaws, lack of experience, and blackness. “We’re going to start off by showing he’s not fit to be President,” said a spokesperson, “and we’re going hammer that message until people start tuning it out. Then at the 11’th hour, it will be time to attack McCain.”

The McCain campaign is readying their early self-attack campaign. The first ad has news clips of McCain’s singing “Bomb Iran” saying we will be in Iraq for 100 years, and forgetting what country is which. Staffers are debating which closing line to use: “Vote for McCain, because he’s even dumber than Bush” or “Vote for McCain. He sucks.”

Hamas begins “Operation Chaos”

The Wolf Report has learned that the Islamic radical group Hamas has developed a plan intended to derail the electoral process in the United States. The plan is called “Operation Chaos,” only it's called that in Arabic not English, because that’s the language that Hamasians, or whatever they call themselves, speak.

Operation Chaos was created by the popular Arabic talk-show host Rashid Al-Imbah who is encouraging all the Hamasians in his listening audience to tell Western reporters that they prefer Barack Obama to John McCain as President of the United States. According to Al-Imbah, gullible Western reporters will write stories that gullible American voters will read, then swallow, and then vote for McCain, the candidate that Rashid Al-Imbah and Hamas really want to see in power.

“If elected, McCain will continue to use the tried and tested Bush strategy,” said Al-Imbah, “and he will get the same results: the anger of Arabs, the alienation of America’s and Israel’s allies, mountains of debt, and thousands of wounded soldiers who will be a tax on the American economy for years to come.”

“We want to see the Bush plan continue,” Al-Imbah said. “Obama is dangerous because he may do something that is better for America, and worse for Hamas. Hamas must support Obama and get McCain elected.”

McCain announces plan: marketize, privatize, deregulate

Senator John McCain, under criticism for not being specific enough about his policies, has announced a comprehensive plan for solving all of American’s problems. The problem, according to McCain, is government. The solution is to marketize, privatize, and deregulate government, starting with the war in Iraq.

“As Commander-in-Chief,” said McCain, in an address announcing the plan, “I will marketize, privatize, and deregulate the war and make it profitable within 90 days.

“I will privatize it by immediately selling the bureaucratic and inefficient Department of Defense to entrepreneurial companies like Halliburton and Blackwater who will quickly turn a war that costs taxpayers billions into a profitable business that creates jobs for Americans.

“I will deregulate our new soldier-entrepreneurs so they are not only freed from the Geneva Conventions, the Universal Declaration of Human rights, and United States Law, as our current soldiers are, but also from the tyranny of the bureaucratic military codes imposed by the former Department of Defense and the inefficiencies of congressional oversight. This will help them quickly achieve their profitability goals.”

“And I will fully marketize the war it by expanding our program of buying the loyalty of Iraqi tribal leaders. We will create an Open Iraq Loyalty Market where everyone’s loyalty can be bought and sold at transparent market-driven prices. We will achieve peace when every Iraqi can be bought—with Iraq’s own money—and at a profit to Blackwater, Haliburton, and the United States.”

“While the war is being marketized, privatized, and deregulated I will also marketize, privatize, and deregulate the rest of our government, starting with health care and Social Security. ”

“And I will complete the job that we Republicans have already started, of marketizing, privatizing, and deregulating the slow, costly, and inefficient process of choosing our Senators, Representatives, and our next President.”

Postal gruntling campaign successful

A recent study by the Department of Specious Statistics (DSS) shows that the number of homicides committed by disgruntled postal workers has dropped since the United States Postal Service instituted its Anti-disgruntling campaign in 1994.

“Before we paid attention to how gruntled our employees were,” said Brad Fitch, the Postal Service’s Director of Employee Gruntlement, “a postal worker would get disgruntled and before you knew it they'd kill a dozen or two of their co-workers. But since 1995 when we started our proactive Workplace Gruntification program, only one postal worker has killed anyone, and then a mere six people many of whom seemed to deserve it.”

The gruntlement program addresses gruntation issues at every level including gruntability training for supervisors, gruntowerment sessions for employees, and regular assessment of gruntitelement levels through both psychological profiles and by checking Gruntol levels in blood and urine. Gruntol is a hormone believed to cause feelings of gruntlement, and low gruntol levels have been correlated with disgruntlement and violence.

The DSS has recommended that Gruntability Training be expanded to the entire federal workforce including the Army, Navy, and Air Force, but excluding the Marines, where disgruntlement and accompanying homicidal tendencies are highly valued.

Clinton Yalie message resonates with poor, white, uneducated voters

Exit polls show that poor, uneducated, working-class whites feel that candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton's Yale background makes her seem “more like folks like us” than does Barack Obama, a Harvard graduate.

“I like Yalies” said Merv Thomas, a bitter small town voter who lives halfway between New Haven, Connecticut, home of Yale, and Cambridge, Massachusetts, home of Harvard, and who thinks that means he knows both schools.

“I like Yalies because they call themselves Yalie and not something snooty like Yale man. That makes them sound like they are the kind of people you can knock back a few shots with. But what do you call someone from Harvard who is a friend? A Harvie? A Harv? You can't call them anything because they aren't friends with folks like me. I can't imagine splitting a six pack with a Harv, or voting for one, either."

Hillary vows to fight on, thanks Republican voters

Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton, encouraged by the 2% margin in Indiana given to her by Republican voters, has announced that she will fight on.

"Indiana Republicans have a right to decide who they would like John McCain to beat in November, just as Indiana Democrats have a right to see who they would like to beat McCain," Clinton said in her victory speech. "I am proud that the overwhelming majority of party-crossing Limbaugh-programmed chaos-creating Republicans want to see me beaten to a bloody pulp by McCain and if I am nominated I will do everything that I can to live up to the trust that they have placed in me."

Clinton has vowed to fight on--through the next round of primaries, through the convention, through the election, through the inauguration of John McCain, and through the heat death of the universe, if necessary. "It takes a great deal of courage for a Republican to throw up in his or her mouth and vote for a Democrat like me," she said, "and I am not about to let them down simply because the people in my party want someone else."

"My opponent may have won a majority of Democrats in this state," she continued, "but the president must be the president of all the people including my Republican supporters--all of who would drink poison or shoot themselves sooner than vote for me in a general election. But democracy means that every vote counts, especially a vote for me."

Scientists discover cure for global warming

Scientists working at the Federal Institute for Stupid Ideas (FISI) have discovered an old technique with a new application. Nuclear winter, a term popularized in 1982 by astrophysicist Carl Sagan is a hypothetical condition resulting when detonation of large numbers of nuclear weapons blow smoke and ash into the atmosphere and prevent the sun’s light from reaching the earth. According to the theory, the reduction in sunlight will lead a dramatic cooling of the planet's surface--by as much as 20 degrees--and a possible worldwide winter. According to the FISI scientists, an adaptation to this technique, called “Controlled Nuclear Winter” could solve the problem of global warming by offsetting greenhouse-gas based warming with nuclear bomb-based cooling.

“Nuclear weapons by themselves cannot produce enough smoke and ash to cool the earth sufficiently,” says Hans Selkirk head of the Institute, “which is why the bombs need to be detonated over highly flammable cities. Our studies show that if we blow up cities of the proper aggregate size we can make sure that the earth’s temperature drops just enough, but not too much. And if we use smallest bomb needed to completely incinerate a given city we can minimize the amount of nuclear radiation and subsequent mutant children that result from our saving the planet.”

FISI has received funding for a pilot program, designed to produce parametric models of city size and temperature drop and to optimize the bombs used. The models will then be calibrated by dropping bombs on several cities and measuring the cooling. “It would be irresponsible of us to roll out this program worldwide without some thorough testing beforehand.” said Selkirk, “We need several data points to be sure our models are correct.”

According to plans, FISI will carry out tests over the first chosen cities—Tehran and Pyongyang immediately and San Francisco just before the November elections.

Democrats getting sick and tired of democracy

As the race for the party’s nomination enters its 23^rd month, Democrats are growing tired of democracy, The Wolf Report polls show.

“All this voting is getting kind of tiring,” said Marge Sizlic, an average Democrat. Sizlic would like to see fewer debates, fewer political ads, and more tag-team wrestling. “It seems like every week there’s another election somewhere. It’s getting pretty boring, all this voting. Why don’t they do what the Republicans did and choose the oldest guy or whatever they did.”

Sizlic, a lifelong average Democrat, plans to vote a straight Democratic ticket next November as she does every year. “That is,” she says, “unless they do something really stupid like running a a retard, or a woman, or a black or a negro or whatever they call themselves these days. ”

“In that case I’m voting Republican.”

First part of 10 Commandments v 2.0 completed

The non-sectarian, Ecumenical Committee to Update the Commandments (ECUC) has completed the first part of its planned revamping of the ten commandments. The committee includes Jewish, Christian, and Muslim ethicists and theologians, along with two Buddhists, three Wiccans, and a Scientologist. The complete document, originally to be called “Ten Commandments Version 2.0” (10CV2) was to be released in 1990. The current plan is to release sections, each replacing one of the original commandments, with a schedule that now stretches through 2050.

The first section, an 800 page draft with over 10,000 new commandments, will replace the old Thou shalt not kill as soon as its public review is completed. The draft has been posted on the ECUC web site and will be sold in book form at the Committee’s e-store (http://estore.newtencommandments.org.) It will be available in paper or by electronic download. The committee accepts all major credit cards.

“Although the new commandments are behind schedule,” said Rabbi Meyer Shulman, chairman of the subcommittee that produced the Thou shalt not kill replacement, “we think people will find it worth the wait. These new commandments provide practical and flexible guidance that people can use in facing the myriad problems of modern life. Perhaps the old ‘Thou shalt not kill’ was sufficient for a bunch camel-herding Jews wandering in the desert, but it won’t work for the millions of modern people who travel across continents, live in complex tech-driven societies, and have to deal with sex, drugs, rock ‘n roll, and Internet porn. What do you do if an insane pedophile is about to molest your child? What do you do if you have a chance to stop Hitler from taking power? What do you do if you meet a Republican and no one is watching? The old commandment had the same simple answer, impractical in many of these cases. The new draft answers all of these questions and thousands more.”

The next section, replacing Thou shalt not commit adultery, is nearing completion and its draft will be posted within a year. The committee expects that the new commandments will be more than 1,000 pages long, and will be released with hundreds of full-color photographs and a DVD-video showing people exactly what not to do and how not to do it. It will be X-rated.