A $200 million study by the United States Department of Wasting Taxpayer Money on Stupid Things (DWTMST) has found that nearly all beer and wine sold in this country is contaminated. “We have found evidence of yeast urine in every sample that we’ve tested,” said Briggs Cutler, Director of the Department. “Investigating we discovered that winemakers and brewers do nothing to prevent yeast from infesting their beverages, and indeed encourage conditions under which these creatures can live, grow, and pee.”
“Yeast piss is not only a poison,” said Stephanie Dowd, head of the Committee Against Intoxication and Other Forms of Fun (CAIOFF), “but it’s addictive as well. The Department’s study gives one more reason why beer, wine, and other such yeast-infested beverages should be outlawed.”
“It’s not the government’s job keep people from drinking yeast wee wee,” said presumptive Republican presidential candidate John McCain. “A simple notice: ‘Caution, contains yeast piddle,’ on beverages will notify consumers and allow them to make their own choices.”
“My daddy taught me to this,” said Democratic candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton, as she tossed back a jigger of distilled, aged, bonded Kentucky sour mash yeast piss, followed it with a fermented barley-malt yeast piss chaser, and then fired her rifle into the roof of a bar in Pennsylvania.
“Remove their right to drink yeast pee,” said candidate Barack Obama, “and small town Americans will become even more bitter. When I am elected president I’ll bring together a group of all the concerned parties: consumers, brewers, winemakers, distillers, alcoholics, and even some yeast, to explore the issues and formulate a national yeast-piss policy.
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