Conservatives, Progressives to Swap Names

In a deal brokered by The Wolf Report, progressives and conservatives have agreed to swap names.

“It’s been kind of dumb to call ourselves progressives for a while,” said Jim Able, a leading progressive spokesman. “All we want to do is to conserve things—like jobs, the environment, our nation’s heritage, and by maintaining a balanced budget we want to conserve our children’s wealth. In fact, I don't know why we're called progressive. We’re pretty much opposed to progress, whether it’s global trade, genetically modified crops, nuclear energy, a factory, or a big-box store. You name it. If it’s progress, we hate it. I think conservative would be a better description for us, but—you know—there are already people using that word.”

“It’s our description, but it hardly seems to fit,” said Stephen DeMarst, a leading conservative spokesperson. “We’re no longer interested in conserving anything. Conserve the environment? Not if it gets in the way of progress, building the houses and factories and roads that people need. Balance the budget? Not if that stands in the way of providing new weapons for our military or new entitlements. We conservatives want to get beyond the old and get on to the new: new inventions, new companies, new technologies, new global structures, and a new world order. We want progress! I think progressive would be a better name for us.”

At midnight tonight, according to the deal negotiated by The Wolf Report, all people formerly called “conservative” will be called “progressive”; all people formerly called “progressive” will be called “conservative;" all people who care about these labels will continue to be called “stupid.”