New Deal on Debt in Final Negotation

The bipartisan committee to manage the national debt is close to a deal that insiders say will solve the country's fiscal problems, The Wolf Report has learned. The deal, which has been under negotiation for nearly two years, will be announced as soon as the terms are finalized, possibly as soon as August.

Under the proposed arrangement, in addition to giving money to children who place lost teeth under their pillows, the Tooth Fairy will deposit funds in a special account to be managed by the Federal Reserve. Payments to children will continue in the traditional range: from ten cents to $5.00, depending on the wealth of the child's parents. Payments will  be adjusted annually for inflation using a formula based on the Consumer Price Index for dental services. Payments to the government will be between $1,000 per tooth--the Tooth Fairy's latest offer--and $2,000 per tooth--the government's proposed rate. The two sides are reported close to agreement on a final figure.

The Office of Management and Budget, a non-partisan oversight group, has estimated the impact of the Tooth Fairy plan, using the more conservative number. The OMB reckons that if the nation's children lose 10 million teeth per year, the government would receive $10 billion in Tooth Fairy money. With the national debt currently estimated at $13.9 trillion dollars, Tooth Fairy revenues would pay off the entire debt in just 1,390 years.

One proposal, which source say is "under serious consideration" by the Tooth Fairy would give the United States credit for the lost teeth of children in any country that receives more than $1 Billion in US aid in that year. According to sources, if this proposal is accepted, then Tooth Fairy money might pay off the debt in as few as 820 years.

Google Announces 'Google Senior Search'

Google has released a Beta version of Google Senior Search, a new software service coupled with an implantable medical device that can  index a human brain, search its contents, and deliver results by direct neural stimulation.

"Google Senior Search gives seniors full and immediate access to their remaining memories, dreams, thoughts, and ideas," said Ivan Teller, product manager for Google Senior Search. "And with built-in wireless access and integration with Google Desktop and Web Search, seniors can feel as though they can remember what's on their computers and on more than a trillion web pages whenever they are within range of a compatible WiFi network"

Seniors start Google Senior Search by saying the word "Google" then speaking their query. Google Senior Search  displays new search results as each time the senior says "Googling..Googling...Googling..."  A quick forehead slap clears search results.

"Google Senior Search not only retrieves information," said Teller, "it also uploads and analyzes neural data so we can deliver targeted advertisements directly to seniors' brains. Neural data will be kept on Google servers so that seniors can retrieve memories well into senility."

"Google Senior Search will give new meaning to the term 'senior moment,'" predicted Teller. 

Click the link to see Google Senior Search in action.

Bush-Cheney Center discloses terrorist plots

The Bush-Cheney Center for Fabrication of Terrorist Plots has discovered "indisputable evidence" that the recent eruptions of the Eyjafjallajokull volcano were not due to tectonic or geophysical forces but to a group of Icelandic Fundamentalists, connected "by alteration of just a few letters" to Islamic Fundamentalist groups, including al-Qaeda.

The Center has also disclosed that Icelandic Fundamentalists are installing volcanoes under major cities in the United States and plan to create "the mother of all ash clouds" by detonating them simultaneously.

"The only way to stop these terrorists," said Chester White, a spokesman for the Center, "is to rescind all civil liberties, lower taxes for individual in high tax brackets, and elect a Republican Congress. Failure to do so puts our nation in jeopardy."

Eyjafjallajokull

Woods blasts wife for using wrong club

After several days of silence, golfer Tiger woods has issued a statement criticisising his wife, Elin Nordegren, for choosing a Nike SQ DYMO 380 (10.5 degrees; with a Mitsubishi Diamana Whiteboard 83g shaft) to beat him following a domestic dispute.

"A golfer's wife has certain responsibilities, and Elin was remis in choosing this particular club," said Woods through a spokesperson. "Tiger feels that either the Nike SQ II 15° 3-wood with Mitsubishi Diamana Blueboard or the Nike SQ II 19° 5-Wood would have been more appropriate, and also more effective."

"Tiger hopes that Elin will overlook his understandable error in pursuing what he now refers to as 'extramarital holes in one' and agrees that if she forgives his error then he will forgive her for her poor choice of club. As a professional, Tiger is proud that has always used the corrct club in every appropriate situation with both extramarital partners and with Elin."

Turkish genocide story corrected

Yesterday's story in The Wolf Report erroneously reported that an estimated 45 million Turks had been killed by Americans during an attack on Turkey.

The story should have stated that an estimated 45 million turkeys had been eaten by Americans during Thanksgiving.

The Wolf Report regrets having made this mistake, even though it's an easy one to make when a country names itself after a bird.

'The' wins again as Wolf Report Article of Year

For the sixth consecutive year, 'the' has won The W0lf Report's Article of the Year award.

"Despite a strong showing this year by both 'a' and 'an,' said the Founder, Publisher, and Editor in Chief of The Wolf Report, 'the' continues to be our readers' favorite article."

Other winners in The Wolf Report's annual contest include 'was' as Best Verb in a Short Article, and 'torture' as Noun of the Year.

Man patents and copyrights own genome; sues children for infringement

In a world where the costs of genetic sequencing have plummetted, almost anyone can afford to sequence a complicated genome. And in world where lawsuits over intellectual property voilations abound, almost anyone can afford to sue for a property right violation. Abner J. Dilworth has taken advantages of these developments, becoming the first individual to sequence his own genome, copyright the text of his own DNA, patent his own genes, and to sue his own children for using his intellectual property without a license.

"The little bastards have been using my genes without permission since the day that they were conceived," said Dilworth, "and I mean to see that they pay."

The lawsuit has been filed simultaneously in places where Dilworth alleges that either the illegal copying took place or where the copies are currently being used, including Massachusetts, California, Florida, North Dakota, and the back seat of a 1976 Chevrolet. The suit alleges patent violation, copyright violation, and theft of intellectual property. The suit also asks for an injunction against any further sexual activity on the part of any of his children on grounds that such activity "may result in further copying of the unlicensed intellectual property, even if steps have been taken to prevent or reduce the liklihood of such copies being made."

Faceless bureaucrats reject health-care plans

The American Association of Faceless Bureaucrats (AAFB) have completed their long-awaited evalution of the health-care proposals wending their way through Congress. Their conclusion: "Denied!"

"We faceless bureaucrats have been denying health-care requests for years as part of a market-based, free-enterprise, entrepreneurial, and essentially American system of faceless bureaucracy," said an anonymous spokesperson for the AAFB. "If we accepted any of these proposals, we'd co-opted into a new Federal faceless bureaucracy system. That would require change, which we oppose, while leaving many things the same, which we also oppose."

"So in the tradition of our profession, and based on our years of training and experience, our decision is simple."

"Request denied."

Obama endorses breathing; Republicans oppose it

President Barack Obama today endorsed breathing as "a healthy activity for all Americans." In his weekly radio address he stated: "Breathing has been shown to keep people healthy, and breathing is one way every American can help keep health care costs under control."

Response was immediate and harsh.

Twelve Republican senators have vowed to hold their breaths in protest until Obama announces that people who choose not to breathe have the same rights as those who breathe.

"More hypocricy from the Left," said commentator Glen Beck. "Obama claims to be concerned about so-called global warming despite questions raised by scientists. At the same he time he encourages a practice that all scientists agree turns health-giving oxygen into a colorless, odorless gas that can kill people and animals in high concentrations and which is one of the primary causes of global warming, assuming that global warming really exists rather than being a Socialist plot to further limit our rights and expand government."

The White House has chosen not to comment, but was observed snickering.

Halloween release agreeement protects against lawsuits

Worried about your legal exposure this Halloween? You should be.

Halloween has not only become the United States' second largest celebration--only Christmas is bigger--it has also become largest single cause of civil lawsuits, according to Jon Holloway, a Holiday Liability Consultant in Boston, Massachusetts who says that Halloween has now moved moved ahead of both icy steps and vicious dogs as a cause of lawsuits.

But there's a remedy to exposure: “By having each child who comes to your door execute a simple agreement,” says Hallowell, "householders can not only protect themselves, but also protect the children who come to visit.”

With Hallowell’s permission, The Wolf Report has provided its readers with a recommended form of agreement for their use. Readers may freely reproduce and use the agreement, providing that they’ve signed the The Wolf Report Halloween Liability Use Agreement, that will be provided at some future time.

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Halloween Liability Agreement

This Halloween Liability Agreement ("Agreement") is entered into by and between ___ _________ ("Trick Or Treater") residing at <child address>_______________________ and("Treater") ____________ dispensing candies, apples and other edibles (“Treats”) at in order to celebrate together certain rites of the secular holiday of Halloween.

WHEREAS: Trick Or Treater has donned a festive costume in hope of eliciting Treats from the Treater; and

WHEREAS: Treater has selected suitable (in Treater’s sole judgment) Treats to be distributed to Trick Or Treaters wearing sufficiently creative costumes (in Treater’s sole judgment) , or who are sufficiently intimidating (in Treater’s sole judgment) to warrant bribery with Treats as a protection against acts of vandalism (“Tricks”);

NOW THEREFORE the parties agree as follows:

1. Treater warrants that Treater and Treater’s agents have taken reasonable precautions to prevent nuts, products containing nuts, or products with a likelihood of having been contaminated by nuts (“Nutty Products”) from being included in the Treats.
2. Trick Or Treater understands and agrees that no such effort can be entirely certain and that despite Treater’s reasonable efforts, the Treat may contain Nutty Products or other products which provoke an allergic reaction for Trick Or Treater or other parties with whom Trick or Treater might share the Treat (“Sharers”).
3. Trick Or Treater agrees to notify Treater of any other allergy or condition which may be exacerbated by consumption or contact with a Treat, as defined herein, by attaching a separate Exhibit: “List of Allergies or Conditions.”
4. Treater agrees to review any such Exhibit and make reasonable efforts to notify Trick or Treater of any substance in the Treat that may affect Trick Or Treater.
5. In consideration of this Agreement and any Treats that may be given by Treater to Trick Or Treater under this Agreement, Trick Or Treater agrees to indemnify and hold harmless Treater from any action initiated on behalf of Trick Or Treater or any Sharer to whom Treater has conveyed any part of the Treat, providing said action arises from the Treat, or any of the circumstances of delivery of the Treat, including but not limited to icy steps or vicious dogs.

T AAgreed to this 31 Day of October 2009

Trick Or Treater _____________________ ________________________________________
(signed) (print name, if able to write)

Treater ______________________ _______________________________________
(signed) (print name)

Afghans import hanging chad

The governement of Afghanistand, confronted with evidence that its presidential election was "blantantly and obviously stolen" has ordered nearly 6 million units of hanging chad, to be used in the upcoming presidential recount.

"Faced with international criticism," said Selim Karzai, cousin to Afghan Presient Hamid Karzai, and chairman of the electoral fraud commitee, "we felt that we would need to steal the next election in a more subtle and sophisticated way. "

After studying numerous stolen elections the commitee hired former Presiential advisor Karl Rove, who recommended using the time-tested hanging chad method. Becuase of the high demand for hanging chad, the order had to be placed before a believable method of attaching the chad to an Afghan ballot (shown in illustration) could be perfected.

Obama innaugurated, nothing changes

More than 50 minutes after Barack Obama took the Presidential oath of office, nothing has changed, according to an exclusive report by The Wolf Report political analyst Daniel Volkmeister.

"This is a bad sign," said Volkmeister. "With expectations running so high, and a campaign built on the need for change, I expected Obama to have already done something. Instead, he wasted the first eighteen minutes of his presidency giving a speech, then sat back and listened to other people talking."

According to administration insiders, Obama may take more than an hour navigating the short distance from the Capitol to the White House. 

"It's only a few blocks," said O'Brien. "I could do it in a couple of minutes. A President who really meant to make changes would be down there already. He's certainly off to a bad start."

Obamibilia jumpstarting the economy

Economists believe that the fast-growing Obamabilia segment--defined by the Department of Commerce as including “any business which manufactures, markets, sells delivers, maintains, or supports Barack Obama memorabilia”--may alone be able to jumpstart the world economy.  

A few years ago Obamabilia was bought only by a few family members and friends in Chicago, Hawaii, Indonesia and Kenya. They bought a few T-shirts or key chains at a time, mostly as jokes. Today an industry has grown that keeps plants running twenty-four hours a day around the world. The segment already employs more than a million workers in the US alone. It’s expected to grow to nearly five million over the next two years.

Not only is the number of companies that Commerce includes in the Obamabilia segment growing rapidly, but their products are expanding in volume, and changing in quality and character as well: from a few companies who manufactured the occasional Obama-branded trinket along with publishers and booksellers for the his first book—which sold poorly until his keynote speech; to a larger set of companies now manufacturing millions of articles of clothing, mugs, glasses, coasters, ornaments, as well as tens of millions bumper stickers, yard signs, and campaign apparel; to publishers, churning out millions of copies of his books, as well books and magazines written about him and written against him; to companies selling commemorative plates, coins, trophies and medallions. 

The latest wave of expansion includes companies working to get contracts to develop Obama branded highways, buildings, and bridges; and even new military hardware—for example, a rebranded B1B called the Obamabomber.

Countries all over the world, are developing their own Obamabilia segments both to meet the needs of their own markets and to increase exports to the United States. “Yes we can” sweatshirts, for example, are available in more than 200 languages and dialects.

“Within six months,” says John Stern, who has tracked the Obamabilia market from its beginning, “one in every three Americans will have a full-time job making, delivering or servicing Obamabilia”

“This is good news for America.”

Carmaker advocates deny "blank check" rumor

“The government is not giving the automobile industry a blank check,” said Tim Whale, president of the Automotive Make-a-Wish Foundation (AMAWF), a charitable organization serving the needs of the automobile industry. “And if they gave us a blank check we'd just have to make it out for $15 billion dollars ourselves,which would probably take us several weeks and cost a million or two. So giving us one alrady made out for $15 billion is going to save the taxpayer money.”

“The automobile industry does not want a blank check,” agreed Donovan White, chairman of the Big Brothers of Automotive America (BBAA), also a charitable organization for downtrodden American automakers. “A $15 billion dollar check is quit sufficient, this month. Making it blank serves no purpose other than to try an portray automakers as greedy.”

“As good as the automotive industry is at losing money,” said Bill Melman, head of Gazillions for Gas Guzzlers (GfGG), an automotive lobbying organization recently re-registered as a charity, “we can’t lose more than $15 billion in a month, so providing us with a blank check is unnecessary.”

Belichick recommends retroactive suspension for Burris

New England Patriots' coach Bill Belichick has endorsed the New York Giants' decision to suspend wide receiver Plaxico Burris. Belichick has also suggested that Burris' suspension be made retroactive.

 “Making Burris’ suspension retroactive from, say about thirty-six seconds before the end of, I guess maybe the fourth quarter in, oh, whatever game he might have been playing on, say February 3^rd, that would send a strong message to younger players: not only would their future be in jeopardy, but their past would be as well.”

 “Anything less woudl certainly send the wrong kind of message.”

Automakers deciding how to get to Washington for bail-out money

Reacting to Congress’ outrage at their flying to Washington in three separate corporate jets, the presidents of General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler have taken action.

“It took a lot of hard work,” said Tim Johnson, a consultant who headed the tripartite task force that made the ultimate decision, “and because we wanted to make the decision that would create the best possible impression of concern, we spared no expense.”

“Initially many of us believed that it would be best to have the presidents hitchhike,” he explained. “By riding in cars that were already headed toward Washington, this would not only minimize cost, but also have the smallest impact on the environment.”

“However the consultants who studied hitchhiking determined that the time to get there was too highly variable. Their report, based on experiments by more than 100 hitch hiking teams, showed that times varied from twelve hours to more than ten days.”

“The consultants who studied car pooling determined that the trip would take approximately nine hours under good driving conditions, and if the presidents left Detroit in the late evening, they could arrive in Washington with ample time before the hearings; could testify; and then could drive back after rush hour, thus saving the cost of three hotel rooms.”

“Unfortunately, the follow-on study, to decide what kind of car to take could not be completed. Each of the companies felt that if their car was not chosen that it would reflect badly on their corporate image. ”

“Meanwhile the consultants that we hired to review the work of these and five other consulting teams and twelve internal teams, four from each company, arrived at a compromise which the presidents have all agreed to. Each of the presidents will fly to an undisclosed airport near Washington in his company’s private jet; each will hitchhike separately to Washington. The flights would save time, and the hitchhiking would give the appearance of caring.

“The presidents would then each drive back to Detroit in individual armored cars filled with money, showing a hands-on attitude. The entire process would be captured on film and made a part of a one hour documentary to be broadcast during prime time periods that we have purchased for that purpose.”

“The fact this entire study, involving more than a thousand people, could be done in less than two weeks, and at a cost of under $40 million, shows that the American automobile industry is nimble and creative, and fully deserving of the billions we're asking for.”

 

Planetary healing stops, reverses

In his victory speech at the end of the primary season Senator Barack Obama said: "Generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children...this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal."

But scientists now report that any planetary healing that began that night has either reversed itself or never began at all. Further they report there is no evidence that the rise of the oceans has changed in any way.

"It's rather disappointing," said Carson Fulbright, head of the World Council of Hopeful Scientists, which began studying the problem right after Obama's announcement. "We were hoping that this would truly be a turning point, and that it would save us a lot of time, money, and sacrifice. But apparently everything is going to hell just the same way as it was before the speech. It will be hard to tell that to my children, years from now, but I will if that's the truth."

The Council will issue another report one month after the Democratic National Convention to see whether Obama's actual nomination or his nominating speech, rather than his primary season victory, starts the healing process and slows the rise.

"With Obama there's always hope," says Fulbright.

Bush: United States getting daily closer to next terrorist attacks

Citing a new study by the Department of Homeland Stupidity (DHS), President George W. Bush has announced that new terrorist attacks on the United States are"inevitably approaching" and the next one is "getting closer day by day."

The study shows that while the exact time of the attacks cannot be predicted, it is possible to determine that each attack is getting closer. The rate of approach of attacks has been constant over the course of years and nothing has been able to slow their approach.

"Our enemies do not rest and they do not sleep," said Calvin Worthington, the DHS scientist who carried out the analysis. "The attacks--not just one of them, but all of them as far as we can determine--get a month closer roughly every 30 days."

The DHS encourages all Americans to continue to follow the Department's guidelines for the "elevated" threat levels that have been in place for as long as anyone can remember. Citizens should alternate between fear and apathy, and should support all irrational government policies.

"We believe that our policy of stupidity and hyperemotion has convinced the terrorists that they can gain nothing more by attacking us," said Worthington. "Not until we relax or take time to think will they attack. And then they they will strike, strike, strike and kill, kill, kill. "

According to DHS guidelines, Americans should periodically worry whether this minute or the next will bring each of us a horrible, painful death; or bring the life of one of our loved ones t0 an agonizing, terrifying end; or result in the the tragic death of some innocent stranger half-way across the world.

"We can only prevent terrorism by being terrified," Worthington said, "and the Department of Homeland Stupidity is leading the way."

McCain gaffes are not news

CBS, NBC, ABC and Fox news have all defended their policy of not covering any of John McCain's recent gaffes."We cover news," said Carlton Townes, on behalf of the networks. "When the same thing happens every day it's not news."

"Let McCain get some facts straight, or make a coherent argument, that will be news and we'll cover it," he continued. "Let Obama make a stupid mistake, or say something dumb, then that will be news, and we'll cover that too."

"Our job is not to report the facts. It's to report the news."

McCain admits Bill Clinton worse than torture

Under relentless questioning by an entity describing itself as “the spirit of Tim Russert,” presumptive Republican candidate John McCain has acknowledged that being shot down in an airplane, beaten by a crowd of angry Vietnamese, submitting to torture, and dealing with the psychological consequences of his confession as an “air pirate” was “a walk in the park” compared to having to deal with Bill Clinton.

“I don’t know how Obama does it,” said a visibly upset McCain, “and Hillary’s strength of character is beyond anyone’s understanding. If I had to deal with Bill Clinton for even ten minutes I’d sign anything he asked. And if he didn’t leave me alone I’d kill myself after twenty.”

McCain, however was adamant that the ability to deal with Bill Clinton did not quality either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton to be president nor did the inability disqualify McCain. “As President I will be called upon to deal with terrorists, the heads of hostile states like Kim Jong Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, as well as terrorist, terrorists, terrorists and terrorists. And I can do it. Just not Bill Clinton.”