US proposes waterboarding for 2008 Olympics

The United States Olympic Committee has proposed individual and team waterboarding for the 2008 Olympics, and has announced that Mr. X, an undercover CIA operative, will coach the US team.

“Competitive waterboarding has a great history and a great future,” said Mr. X in an encrypted email to The Wolf Report. “Unfortunately its history is classified and its future soon will be.”

According to the International Torture and Interrogation Association (ITIA), waterboarding began during the Spanish Inquisition (1478-1834) and like any sophisticated interrogation technique it has been modified and refined over the years. “It’s no more fair to compare Spanish-Inquisition-era waterboarding with modern waterboarding,” said James Thatcher, President of the ITIA. “than it would be to compare the Spanish-Inquisition-era basketball with today’s more sophisticated game.”

What started as an interrogation technique became a competitive sport when CIA interrogators formalized ad-hoc lunchtime waterboarding sessions and adopted standardized waterboarding rules. In 1992 the first waterboarding tournament was held at the CIA’s Langley, Virginia headquarters. The name of the winner is TOP SECRET. Since then, tournaments have been held every year. Then names of winners in subsequent years are merely SECRET.

“As more and more people in Iraq and Afghanistan are exposed to waterboarding” said Mr. X, “interest in the sport is growing. We expect vigorous competition in the Olympics, but due to our years of experience and superior training techniques, we will win.”