How does Osama bin Laden manage to look so slim, fit, and healthy? Al-Qaeda NLC (No Liability Corporation) says his secrets will be revealed next Tuesday when they publish two new books: “The Tora Bora Diet: the al-Qaeda Way to Lose Weight Fast,” and “Osama’s Exercise Plan: Losing Weight Fast the al-Qaeda Way.”
“These programs are practically miraculous” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda NLC. “One woman lost nearly 125 pounds on the program, and many others have had similar weight losses.”
“We’re looking into these books carefully,” said Janet Dowd of the Consumer Protection Agency. “While it’s true that working out while wearing an explosive vest—as Osama’s Exercise Plan recommends—can help lose weight faster than exercise alone, we think that the added risk may not worth the benefit. The woman that al-Qaeda cites lost her weight in a very short time when her vest suddenly exploded leaving only her head. Such a quick loss of weight may be unhealthy.”
“In addition,” Dowd continued, “the meals in the Tora Bora diet include poisonous chemicals and substances that—when mixed in the presence of stomach acid—can explode violently. These techniques certainly will cause fast weight loss, so al-Qaeda is not making any false claims. If they were, we’d be on them in a minute. Still, we think that—considering the source of these books—that we need to look into this more carefully. There may be some trick involved.”
“There are no tricks” responded Gaith. “These books are based on proven techniques. In field trials thousands of people have lost weight rapidly. This is our way to spread the benefit.”
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