Bin Laden Considering Run for President

The Wolf Report has learned from close associates of terrorist leader Osama bin Laden that he is again considering his candidacy for President of the United States.

An announcement, if the plan moves forward, will likely be made along with the long-awaited Initial Public Offering (IPO) of Al-Qaeda, LLC, the terrorist leader's franchising organization and holding company.

An earlier plan, to announce bin Laden’s entry into the race just after simultaneous suicide bombings at McCain, Obama, and Clinton rallies was vetoed by bin Laden after focus groups held in his cave indicated it would “bring his numbers down.”

“In truth,” said a bin Laden campaign spokesman, “Osama bin Laden would be the only candidate who could end the so-called ‘war on terror.’ He can do it not by spending trillions but with a few words to his followers. And in cooperation with the United States—which he would give if elected President—he could resolve the situation in Iraq in days. This would release trillions of dollars which could then be used to rebuild America’s deteriorating infrastructures, educate and truly leave no child in America left behind, feed the poor not only in America but in the rest of the world, and usher in an era of peace and prosperity not seen since last Caliphate.”

The Wolf Report will continue to provide news as the campaign strategy evolves.

IRA bombers convert to Islam

Members of the Irish Republican Army (IRA) who call themselves the “Bloody Sunday Brigade” announced today that they have converted from Catholicism to Islam. They plan to resume killing civilians after they return from this year’s Hajj.

“Our goal remains the same,” an unidentified spokesperson for the group told The Wolf Report, “and that is to kill as many innocent people as it takes for Ireland to be free. But our ways have to change with the times. Islam is a more popular religion for terrorists than is Catholicism, so we’ve converted.”

“We welcome the former infidel dogs of the Bloody Sunday Brigade to the Umma, the community of believers,” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda No Liability Corporation (NLC). “We hope they will be successful.”

Al-Qaeda books Tuesday

How does Osama bin Laden manage to look so slim, fit, and healthy? Al-Qaeda NLC (No Liability Corporation) says his secrets will be revealed next Tuesday when they publish two new books: “The Tora Bora Diet: the al-Qaeda Way to Lose Weight Fast,” and “Osama’s Exercise Plan: Losing Weight Fast the al-Qaeda Way.”

“These programs are practically miraculous” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda NLC. “One woman lost nearly 125 pounds on the program, and many others have had similar weight losses.”

“We’re looking into these books carefully,” said Janet Dowd of the Consumer Protection Agency. “While it’s true that working out while wearing an explosive vest—as Osama’s Exercise Plan recommends—can help lose weight faster than exercise alone, we think that the added risk may not worth the benefit. The woman that al-Qaeda cites lost her weight in a very short time when her vest suddenly exploded leaving only her head. Such a quick loss of weight may be unhealthy.”

“In addition,” Dowd continued, “the meals in the Tora Bora diet include poisonous chemicals and substances that—when mixed in the presence of stomach acid—can explode violently. These techniques certainly will cause fast weight loss, so al-Qaeda is not making any false claims. If they were, we’d be on them in a minute. Still, we think that—considering the source of these books—that we need to look into this more carefully. There may be some trick involved.”

“There are no tricks” responded Gaith. “These books are based on proven techniques. In field trials thousands of people have lost weight rapidly. This is our way to spread the benefit.”

Kidnapping interrupts publication schedule

The Wolf Report’s stream of postings was interrupted after al-Qaeda terrorists broke into The ReportPlex, the base of The Wolf Report publishing empire, kidnapped the Blog’s entire editorial and publication staff, and held them hostage for several days.

“It was devastating,” said Leonard Cohen (no relation to the song writer of the same name), The Wolf Report’s fashion editor. “Terrorists, wearing bin Laden Design’s bright new Fall 2007 suicide bomb vests, broke into our newsroom waving automatic weapons with burnished metal stocks and multicolored designer slings made of ballistic nylon, and forced us into a waiting fleet of helicopters decorated in a somewhat retro style reminiscent of Sikorsky’s classic ‘Airlift’ look.”

“It was horrifying,” said Nancy Drew (no relation to the fictional character of the same name), travel editor for The Wolf Report. “They took us to a nearby airport where impeccably courteous terrorist attendants seated us in wide, comfortable seats in the luxurious al-Qaeda Air (AQA) modified 747 wide-body that the terror network rightly considers the jewel of their fleet. After a delectable seven course dinner, in-flight entertainment that included hilarious spoof of the Iraq invasion with English subtitles, and a refreshing nap in seats that folded flat into comfortable beds, we landed at the just-completed airfield that adjoins the new Tora Bora Cave Complex and Theme Park where we were to endure our incarceration.”

“It was terrifying,” said Amadji Rhamadaja (no relation to anyone with that or any other name), who helps keep The Wolf Report’s Workplace Diversity Index above 6. “The terrorists fed and pampered us for two days while giving us many good ideas for satirical articles about the Bush administration before flying us back to The ReportPlex where they ordered us back to work.”

“Unfortunately we were not able to meet Osama himself because he and his closest aides were preparing for a traditional Islamic celebration by attaching laser beams to the heads of sharks.”

The Wolf Report will return to its regular publication schedule of “sparodically” with this issue unless there is either an alien abduction or some other reason.

Al-Qaeda announces new social networking sites

Al-Qaeda No Liability Corporation (NLC) has announced three new Internet services for terrorists: an Internet terrorist social network called MyCave, a terrorist blog search called terrorati, and a social bookmarking service called mal.icio.us. All services will carry the al-Qaeda terror brand.

“These services unite the al-Qaeda terrorist network with other terrorist networks and with individual terrorists, creating both a worldwide social terrorist community and more efficient use of scarce terrorist resources,” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda, NLC. “Without mal.icio.us, for example, a terrorist looking for a good way to build a good dirty bomb might spend weeks Googling phrases like ‘dirty bomb’ that lead to high PageRank CIA sites with misleading information. With terrorati, the tag ‘dirtybomb’ leads the terrorists right to the most useful pages, as ranked by peers.”

The terrorati Blog search engine will help terrorists find the most popular terror Blogs so they can ‘learn from the experts.’ MyCave will let terrorists create their own home pages, share music and pictures with other terrorists, and find and identify to ‘friends’ with whom they can collaborate on social outrages. All three services will be supported by advertising, mainly by US based weapons and explosive companies.

"These announcements along with other al-Qaeda NLC announcements (TWR stories here, and here) are a sign that something big is up with al-Qaeda NLC, said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP). “We think that it may be the expected IPO (see TWR story).

Al-Qaeda announces OpenIED project

Al-Qaeda No Liability Corporation (NLC) has announced version 1.0 of OpenIED, the Open Source Improvised Explosive Device project.

“OpenIED will help terrorists of all kinds build low cost and high quality IEDs,” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda, NLC. “OpenIED devices will be free as in speech, and would be free as in beer if we Muslims drank beer, which we don’t. So maybe free as in humus, if that makes any sense, which it doesn’t.”

OpenIED will be licensed to terrorists under the Guerilla Public License or GPL, which guarantees that all contributions to the OpenIED project by one faction can be used to kill members of any other faction, including the contributors.

Romney to Giuliani: “Turncoat!”

Reveling his vicarious personal victory over the Colorado Rockies in the World Series, Sox fan and former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney criticized turncoat Yankees fan and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani for saying that he (Giuliani) would “root for the Red Sox” in the Series.

“This—even more than his three marriages and his numerous other flip-flops—shows Giuliani’s utter lack of commitment.” said Romney. “Before rooting for the Yankees, a true Sox fan like me would—in this order—a) hope for the immediate and violent death of all members of the hated Yankees team, b) hope that the National League team would beat the hated Yankees by hundreds of runs in each game, and c) pray for the immediate end of civilization or the complete destruction of the universe, whichever could more effectively prevent the hated Yankees from scoring a single run, much less actually winning. I would take poison before I would root for them.”

“A man who would so easily abandon his team, even if it was the hated Yankees, and who would--as the result of the simple misfortune of having been drummed out of the playoffs--hope for the victory of a despised rival might well—if elected president and suffering the smallest of reverses—abandon the United States and start rooting for al-Qaeda.”

“Mayor Giuliani’s decision to support the Red Sox,” said a Giuliani campaign spokesperson, “had nothing to do with the fact that the New York primary is sewed up, Colorado is irrelevant to his coronation as the Republican nominee, and he needs to find ways to suck up to the voters in New England who might well have been fooled by his posturing if I had not just said what I just said.”

“Ooops," he continued, embarrassed, "can that be off the record?”

“Please!!”

Terrorist Follows GI Home

In a chilling fulfillment of predictions made by supporters of the Iraq war, an al-Qaeda terrorist has followed a returning American soldier home from Iraq. The terrorist, Mohammed Faleh, appeared Sunday afternoon outside the home of infantryman Lewis Jacobi, recently returned from his third tour of duty

“He introduced himself very politely,” said Jacobi’s wife Amy, “and explained how he’d followed Lew home. So Lew and I invited him in to watch the Jets game and have some ribs. He was really quite nice—especially considering he’s an al-Qaeda terrorist.”

“With trans-Atlantic airfares at an all-time low thanks to deregulation’s fostering increased competition among air carriers,” said Faleh in halting English, “we terrorists can cost-effectively follow American soldiers home. But then what? I am the first of my family to come to America. I have no cousins driving taxicabs in New York. So how do I get a job? What do I do?”

“That’s where we come in,” said Amy Ledbetter spokesperson for the Terrorist Assistance League (TAL), a member of the Alliance of Bleeding Heart Liberal Charities (ABHLC). “We help terrorists like Mohammed get jobs, buy consumer goods, and quickly ssive credit-card debt—so quickly that they have no time to train to fly planes into skyscrapers or plant bombs in subways.”

“This is a chilling fulfillment of the predictions we have made,” said Amos Devlin, spokesperson for the administration. “To prevent more al-Qaeda terrorists from following more Americans home, all leaves and duty rotations from Iraq are cancelled until further notice”

Al-Qaeda Outsources Terror Opertions to Blackwater

Special report from secret operative RNS.

Discouraged that its 100,000th terrorist attack had been foiled by skilled and dedicated operatives of the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI) (see story here) al-Qaeda NLC's board of directors announced today that it was outsourcing terrorist operations to Blackwater, USA.

In a video recorded in an unidentified cave in an unidentified location, an unidentified al-Qaeda spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to be unanonymous, said that Blackwater was the logical partner to help al-Qaeda retain its majority share of the international terror market.

"This was a business decision, pure and simple,” noted the spokesman, who stipulated that these remarks were not to be attributed to him. “Blackwater has substantial assets, highly trained personnel, and a proven record for both terrorist tactics and for duping the US government, all the characteristics we needed in a partner."

Financial arrangements were resolved quickly as al-Qaeda is currently awash with money from its flag operations (story here), but compensation for martyred Blackwater operatives turned into the most difficult issue the two partners faced, the spokesman reported. Al-Qaeda had initially offered the standard Hadith-specified reward of 72 virgins per martyr (see here, here, and here for references). Blackwater accepted the offer, provided that the virgins were American. The al-Qaeda negotiating team pointed out that there were no American virgins older than age ten and offered Arab virgins instead. Blackwater refused the offer and negotiations stalled.

Finally, Osama Bin Laden personally stepped in and within 24 hours had hammered out a deal that upped the reward to 83 virgins per martyr, capped the number of martyrs based on successful missions, and gained agreement on European, Latin American and Japanese virgins.

"This will strengthen both Blackwater and al-Qaeda," said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP).

Al-Qaeda Making Millions on US Flags

The Wolf Report has just learned that most of Al-Qaeda’s revenue comes not through criminal activities and Al-Qaeda NLC's licensing, but through shadowy network of Chinese manufacturers who sell flags to patriotic Americans. The manufacturers are owned by Al-Qaeda.

According to our investigations, 12.1% of Al-Qaeda's revenue comes from smuggling, 4.78% from kidnapping, and 10.5% from licensing (see chart). The vast majority, 83.12%, comes through the purchase of flags.

“It’s diabolical,” said the reporter for The Wolf Report who operates deep within the Al-Qaeda network and who researched the story. “Whenever Al-Qaeda attacks, Americans buy flags. Their flag money goes straight back to the Chinese manufacturers, thence to Al-Qaeda, where it is used fund more attacks, which drives the purchase of more flags.”

The process started just before the 9/11 attacks when Bin Laden himself purchased controlling interests in all of the major flag manufacturers in China on behalf of Al-Qaeda Industries, a subsidiary of Al-Qaeda, NLC. When the attacks came, American citizens, companies, and governmental bodies bought millions of flags, producing more than $100 M in profits, estimated at 10 times the cost of the entire 9/11 operation.

“From a purely financial perspective this is brilliant,” said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP), “The 9/11 attack had a huge return on investment, not considering the increase in terror brand equity which was itself substantial. This makes terror a sustainable business and Al-Qaeda NLC an exceptional investment as long as Americans keep buying flags.” Al-Qaeda NLC is rumored to be preparing an initial public offering (here).

“It’s ironic, but true,” said Dean Matheson, spokesman for the Association of Defunct American Flag Manufacturers (ADAFM) “All those little towns in American that are flying flags. They think they are supporting our troops and showing their patriotism. But actually they are funding Al-Qaeda.”