Special report from secret operative RNS.
Discouraged that its 100,000th terrorist attack had been foiled by skilled and dedicated operatives of the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI) (see story here) al-Qaeda NLC's board of directors announced today that it was outsourcing terrorist operations to
In a video recorded in an unidentified cave in an unidentified location, an unidentified al-Qaeda spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to be unanonymous, said that Blackwater was the logical partner to help al-Qaeda retain its majority share of the international terror market.
"This was a business decision, pure and simple,” noted the spokesman, who stipulated that these remarks were not to be attributed to him. “Blackwater has substantial assets, highly trained personnel, and a proven record for both terrorist tactics and for duping the
Financial arrangements were resolved quickly as al-Qaeda is currently awash with money from its flag operations (story here), but compensation for martyred Blackwater operatives turned into the most difficult issue the two partners faced, the spokesman reported. Al-Qaeda had initially offered the standard Hadith-specified reward of 72 virgins per martyr (see here, here, and here for references). Blackwater accepted the offer, provided that the virgins were American. The al-Qaeda negotiating team pointed out that there were no American virgins older than age ten and offered Arab virgins instead. Blackwater refused the offer and negotiations stalled.
Finally, Osama Bin Laden personally stepped in and within 24 hours had hammered out a deal that upped the reward to 83 virgins per martyr, capped the number of martyrs based on successful missions, and gained agreement on European, Latin American and Japanese virgins.
"This will strengthen both Blackwater and al-Qaeda," said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP).
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