Study: Larks, Clams Far Happier Than Pigs In Shit

By using neural imaging to measure electrical activity in the nervous systems of animals, scientists at the University of Maryland have proven that clams are happier than larks and that both are happier than pigs in shit.

Marshall Feynman, principal researcher, says the results are robust. "We have tested thirty breeds of pigs with more than seventy different kinds of shit," he says. "It makes no difference. Pigs in shit are never happier than larks or clams. In fact, pigs seem unaffected by whether or not they are in shit."

The research shows that larks are insensitive to being in shit, but clams are sensitive both to being in shit and to the kind of shit they are in.

"Based on our research," says Feynman, "the scientifically correct way to indicate that a person is as happy as possible is to say that they are 'as happy as a clam in lark shit.'"

New Drugs Won't Take No For An Answer

In an act that experts describe as a "major escalation in the War on Drugs" The World Association of Drug Designers (WADD) has released two drugs that "won't take no for an answer." The drugs mark a setback for the highly successful "Say No To Drugs" campaign, a chief weapon in the War.

Persistasy, the first drug, appeared on streets last April. By May the Center for the War on Drugs (CWD) had recognized the threat, and responded with the "Say No! No! No! No! No! No! NO!!! Goddamnit I Said NO!!! To Drugs" campaign. The campaign was starting to be effective when Unrelentasy appeared.

"Unrelentasy is like Ecstasy and The Terminator rolled into one package," says Billy C, head of the New York Drug Lord Association (NYDLA). "You can say 'no' to this drug all night long and it just doesn't give a shit; it keeps on coming. Unrelentasy is unstoppable!"

But researchers at the CWD say it can be stopped. "Unrelentasy may not take 'no' for an answer," says Roger Delaney, the CWD's chief scientist, "but if your answer is: 'Fuck off and die, you son of a bitch!; then even Unrelentasy will leave you alone."

The CWD has successfully tested their "Say Fuck off and Die, You Son of A Bitch! To Drugs" campaign in seven New York high schools, and plans to roll it out nationwide next month."You have to shout 'Fuck off and Die, You Son of A Bitch!' really loud," says Adam Clayton, a high school senior who participated in the test, "but it does work."

God Caves Under Pressure: Blesses America

Apparently bowing to pressure from lobbying groups, and threatened with a cut in funding,  God has agreed to bless America. “We consider this a great victory,” said Jim McEwan, spokesman for the Coalition of Patriotic Deists, the largest “God Bless American” lobbying group. “After years of requesting and finally demanding that God bless America, we have achieved the blessing we aimed for, and that we so richly deserve.”

The blessing was announced during a noonday press conference by the Metatron, heavenly scribe and spokesangel for the Lord God Jehovah. “I have a message from God to read to you. I will take no questions after I have read it,” said the seraph, the highest ranking member of the God’s angelic hierarchy.

“At 10:13 this morning, God blessed America. Thank you.”

The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped nearly 800 points in heavy trading following the news.

Fastest Growing Religion: Ventriloquism

The world's fastest growing religion is not Islam, Christianity, Catholicism, Hinduism, or Buddhism. It's a strange new religion called Ventriloquism. Its adherents, called Ventriloquists, believe they can to give life and voice to dolls, dummies, and other inanimate objects. Ventriloquists even put on public demonstrations to show they can do it.

"Ventriloquism is growing rapidly for two reasons," says Edna DeFay, spokesperson for high-profile Ventriloquist, Jeff Dunham, who some call the Tom Cruise of Ventriloquism. "First, we are non-denominational. You don't have to abandon your current religion to become a Ventriloquist. You can be a Catholic and a Ventriloquist, or a Jew and a Ventriloquist. There are many Muslims who are Ventriloquists, and there is a growing number of atheists who are Ventriloquists."

"Second," she continued, "Ventriloquism is growing because unlike most other religions, we don't rely on faith. If you want to decide whether Ventriloquists can do what we claim, we can show you a Ventriloquist bringing something to life."

But there's a catch. While most religions hold open, free services, Ventriloquists hold events for which they charge each seeker as much as $100; a high price to see Ventriloquism being practiced.

But some say it's worth it. "Ventriloquism is a fascinating religion," says Israel Cohen, an Orthodox Jew who says that some of  his best friends are Ventriloquists. "Whenever there's a Ventriloquist in town, I'll always pay to see him. Who knows," he shrugs, "some day I might convert."

Walmart Wins Contracts for New Fighter, Tank, Aircraft Carrier

Image via WikipediaIn an effort to trim the cost of military hardware, the Department of Defense has awarded contracts for the Air Force's next generation fighter jet, the Army's next generation tank, and the Navy's next generation aircraft carrier to Walmart, the retail giant headquartered in Bentonville, Arkansas.

"Walmart won the competition not just on the basis of its prices, which were more than 30% less
than their nearest competitor'ss," said Roger Dubner, a procurement officer for the Department of Defense, "but also because of its quality guarantees, and service commitment. Walmart will take back any fighter, tank, or carrier that any pilot, tank commander, caption or crew member finds defective, and provide the government with for a full refund, with no questions asked. And with stores in more than 55 countries, Walmart can provide faster and lower cost repairs than any of its competitors, anywhere in the world."
Image via Wikipedia

"We at Walmart our proud that we can help the United States Government 'save money and live better', said Duane Revetnik, spokesman for Walmart. "And we hope that our ability to provide quality weapons at a low price will lead to more defense contracts with the United States government, and with governments of other countries that are looking for more affordable ways to wage war.

According to Revetnik the new military hardware will be built in China, Vietnam, and Brazil by a  workforce that will add nearly 100,000 offshore employees to Walmart's current 2.1 million.

In related news, aircraft plants, manufacturing facilities, and boat yards in the United States that had begun hiring in anticipation of the contracts will release more than 500,000 employees.

Psychic Association Correctly Predicts Date, Place of Annual Conference

The American Psychic Association (APA), an industry group for individuals with paranormal predictive abilities, has once again correctly predicted the date and place for its annual conference. The conference was held, exactly as foretold, on July 6-7 in New Orleans, Louisiana. This is the twenty-fifth consecutive year that the APA has made a correct prediction.

"With three hundred sixty five days a year and more than 10,000 venues in the US alone to choose from," said Janet Johnson, Chief Psychic Officer of the APA, "our ability to make this prediction correctly in even one year is less than one in three million; our ability to do it correctly for twenty-five consecutive years should convince all skeptics of the validity of our psychic powers."

"We don't agree," said Duane Rostovich, spokesperson for the American Skeptic's Association (ASA). While we congratulate the APA on their record, we believe that it will eventually explained by some physical process. The fact that we have not found it does not mean that it isn't there."

Related articles

• Procrastinators' Conference Postponed--Again (thewolfreport.blogspot.com)

Archaeologists: Ottoman Empire Built on Top of Chaise Longue Empire

Arhcaeologists digging in Turkey have discovered that the Ottoman Empire was actually built on top of an earlier empire called the Chaise Longue Empire.

The Ottoman Empire, which lasted for more than 600 years, from 1299 to 1923. At its greatest extent it included Turkey, most of what is now called the Middle East, most of modern Egypt, the coastal regions of North Africa from Egypt to Algeria, and extended beyond s now Greece, Romania, Serbia, Bosnia, and Hungary.
Image via Wikipedia

God to Release Man 2.0 This Year

Faced with a growing number of human and human-caused problems experts believe that God release Man 2.0 this year, rather than continuing to patch Man 1.x.

“Man 1.x has done well, but  it’s really time for an upgrade,” says Brian Maltini, who has spent thirty years disassembling many of God’s creations, including man. “With millions of patches and thousands of service pack releases, man’s remaining bugs are so fundamental that they need the Man 2.0’s architectural changes to be resolved. With its new design, Man 2.0 will be far faster, more reliable, and more secure than Man 1.x.”

“The problems that began with release of Man 1.0 were inevitable,” said Richard Maltz, a Book of Genesis scholar at Bob Jones University. “As we know from the Bible, God was under schedule pressure right from the start. He did a magnificent job nontheless, and by the fourth day he’d finished creating everything but living things. On the fifth day he created the aquatic creatures and the birds but ran into some problems, and did not have time for the land animals. Rather than take a schedule slip, God chose to create both the land animals and man on the same day, and that’s what caused the problems.”

“There’s clear evidence now that problems in man’s scalability and reliability result from shortcuts God took to meet the schedule,” agrees Maltini. “Man 1.0 was not stress-tested nor were there any volume tests. It’s no surprise that as world population has grown from just two to many billions, and as the world has become a more complex and stress-filled place, that serious bugs in Man 1.x continue to appear.”

Maltini believes that God will roll the new release out in phases starting next month. But some, including American Christian radio host Harold Camping, believe that God intends to take down the entire system on October 21, 2011 and will install Man 2.0 at that time.

Technorati Tags: God,Allah,Man 2.0,Rapture

Bristol, Levi Books to be Followed by Tripp’s Tell-All

With mommy Bristol Palin’s book “Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far” starting to rack up sales, and daddy Levi Johnstone’s “Deer in the Headlights” out soon, followers of quality non-fiction are excited to learn that baby Tripp Palin is writing a book, due out this November. The book, titled “I May Be a Bastard, But My Parents are Assholes,” promises to tell the truths that Bristol and Levi can not face: that they are pretty much complete idiots.

Because Tripp is only two and a half, the book will co-authored by Adam Mansbach, author of the best-selling “Go the F**k to Sleep.”

Technorati Tags: Levi Johnstone,Bristol Palin,Tripp Palin,Adam Mansbach

Billionaires Threaten Strike if Taxes Raised

The American Association of Billionaires, (AAB) the tax lobbying group for the super-rich, has announced a nationwide billionaire’s strike if taxes on billionaires are raised “even one penny.”

“We’re not doing it for ourselves, but for the country as a whole,” said Dennis DaPalma, spokesperson for the AAB. “Billionaires play an important role in our economy, and higher taxes for billionaires would hurt everyone, especially the poor.”

Not all billionaires agree. In an excerpt from a 2005 television program available on YouTube, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, the two richest men in America according to the Forbes 400 rankings, said they favored higher taxes for the rich, positions they continue to hold.

“I think Bill and I should pay a higher tax rate on the income we get,” said Buffet. “It’s a rate that’s less than half the tax rate that I was paying twenty-five years ago when I was making a lot less money. They have really taken care of the rich.”

Gates agreed. “I go along with that wholeheartedly,” he said. “The rich should bear a somewhat higher proportion of the burden than they do today.”

“With the money they’ve got that’s easy for Gates and Buffet to say,” said DaPalma. “Gates has $54 billion and Buffet has $45 billion. The next wealthiest man, Larry Ellison, has just $27 billion—about half of what Gates has. But not everyone is that well off. More than 200 billionaires have only $1 to $2 billion. Life’s a lot different down there.”

DaPalma, who jokes that his net worth is “only $282 million, and that’s on a good day,” aspires to become a billionaire. “I don’t' expect to be a guy like Gates or Buffett who can just throw money around on taxes,” he said, “but I do hope to become actually rich some day. It’s the American Dream.”

If the billionaires go on strike DaPalma says he will strike in sympathy, and says he knows a lot of other millionaires who will join him.

Asked about his own taxes, DaPalma proudly reported that by careful tax planning he paid $17.62 last year, down from $112.87 the year before. “That’s a fair share,” he said, “and it’s about as much as any American—rich or poor—should have to pay.”

Technorati Tags: Taxes,Politics,Billionaires

Fires in Arizona, New Mexico Cause Marshmallow Shortage

Raging fires in Arizona and New Mexico have produced a critical marshmallow shortage in the Southwest. “Supplies of chocolate and graham crackers are more than adequate,” said a representative of the Federal Emergency Management Administration (FEMA) who has been monitoring the growing crisis, “but we are rapidly running out of marshmallows.”

Neighboring governors have pledged to rush marshmallows to the embattled states, and President Obama has authorized FEMA to release more than 2 million marshmallows from the nation’s Strategic Marshmallow Reserve . ”We believe that the situation is under control," said the FEMA representative, “and that our handling of this marshmallow crisis will restore the nation’s confidence in our organization.”

Technorati Tags: Fema,Fires,Marshmallows

Clinton Calls Weiner “a Pussy”

In an exclusive interview with The Wolf Report, former President Bill Clinton described former Representative Anthony Weiner as “a pussy” for resigning under fire. “Look, I got a blow job in the Oval Office,” said Clinton, “the Republicans spent nearly 80 million dollars investigating my administration. They spent almost $10 million on the blow job alone. And what did they get? Nothing. Meanwhile Weiner texts a few pictures of his undershorts and folds under fire.” “He’s a pussy,” Clinton said angrily. “There’s just no other word for it.”

Technorati Tags: Politics,Clinton,Weiner

Obama proposes 9.1% = 5.25%

President Barack Obama is considering an executive order that would make 9.1% equal to somewhere between 6.5% and 5.25%, thus dramatically reducing the nation’s unemployment rate and fueling the recovery. According to insiders, staff at the Bureau of Economic Analysis (BEA) are hard at work deciding whether the lower figure, which the President prefers, would fuel inflation.

Congressional Republicans, meanwhile, have introduced legislation which would make 9.1% equal to 13.5% clearly demonstrating that the President has worsened the terrible economy that he inherited from President George W. Bush.

Congressional Republicans are also considering making $14.294 trillion equal to $75.33 trillion, making Obama’s contribution to the national debt more than seven times greater than all prior presidents.

Both bills are expected to fail in the Senate.

Technorati Tags: Obama,Politics,Debt,Unemployment

Misplaced Possessive Outbreak’s Cause Shortage’s of Apostrophe’s

Nationwide outbreak’s of Misplaced Possessive Syndrome (MPS) have resulted in growing shortage’s of apostrophe’s, according to official’s in the Bureau of Apostrophe Management (BAM). MPS, is a viral disease that causes it’s victim’s to use possessive's instead of plural’s, dramatically increasing utilization of apostrophe’s.

“The rate’s of apostrophe use have increased more than 500% due to MPS,” said Blake Witherspoon, BAM director in a televised press conference. “We are working hard to control the outbreak’s.”

“In the meantime,” Witherspoon continued, “people should not worry about getting the apostrophe’s they need. We have hundred’s of million’s of apostrophe’s in the nation’s Strategic Apostrophe Reserve and we will begin to release them if the shortage persist’s.”

The BAM is encouraging people with extra apostrophe’s to exchange them for other punctuation marks at the nearest BAM office. “With private contribution’s we believe we can respond to the crisis without touching our reserve’s,” said Witherspoon.

Technorati Tags: Apostrophe's,grammar

Budget Cuts Threaten Nation’s Supply of Weather

Washington lawmakers are close to a deal that would reduce the nation’s weather supply in order to fund more important government services. The bill under consideration, the Weather Conservation Act of 2011, is the direct result of a Wolf Report editorial.

“When you’re faced with either defaulting, or with cutting national defense, Social Security, Medicare, or weather,” says Rep. Tom Gaskill, R-North Dakota. “The answer is simple: excess weather has to go. I don’t know why we haven’t seen this sooner.”

“We now realize that our weather programs, most of which were created by Republicans, are wasteful,” says Rep. Donna Morgan, D-New Jersey. “We provide weather twenty-four hours a day, three hundred sixty five days a year, to one hundred percent of the country, whether people need it or not. Our studies show that almost no one uses more than about a third of that weather, and most people use even less. In regions where population is sparse, nearly all of the weather is wasted. And some people, especially those living in cities, would be happy with no weather at all.”

While Congress decides exactly how much weather to cut, not everyone is happy with the idea. “We need more weather, not less,” says Tom Billllllinger, a stuttering 30-year old farmer in Iowa. “Without weather, how in the hell do we grow our crops? And without crops, how in the hell do we get farm subsidies?  For the next 35 years we can do without Social Security and Medicare before we can do without weather.”

The Congressional Budget Office (CBO), which evaluates the economic impact of legislative changes, agrees that we overspend on weather. “We’ve looked at both the costs and the benefits of weather,” said Jim Meltzer, spokesperson for the CBO, “and we find that weather is the most wasteful of all federal programs. The costs are high, and the benefits are small. If we took advantage of all the potential savings, we could use the money to build more than 30,000 bridges to nowhere.”

Technorati Tags: Weather,Deficit,CBO

Climate Change Started When Discovery of Fire Fucked Things Up.

Climate researcher John Williams says that the global climate change we experience today started nearly 400,000 years ago when early hominids invented fire, and began the process of completely fucking up the climate and just about everything else on the planet.

“We don’t know what the world was like before fire was invented,” said Williams, “but we do know that since then this planet has turned into a shithole.”

Using data from the Vostok Cores, which provide the most accurate record of climate over the past 400,00 years, along with speculations about when fire was invented, and his own distaste for modern civilization Williams has developed a theory that he says is a “near certainty.”

	Data from the Vostok Cores

 

“If you look at the climate record over 400,00 years you can see that there have been four major glacial epochs along with five warm “interglacial” periods. The weather has varied by more than ten degrees from coldest to warmest. If we ask ourselves ‘Why all this change?’ the answer is clear. The invention of fire has completely fucked everything up. Not just climate change, but pollution, Fox News, teenage pregnancy, and the Republican Party can all be traced back to fire.”

“As long as we continue to use fire,” Williams says, “we’ll continue to be totally fucked.”

Technorati Tags: Climate Change,Global warming,Vostok Cores

Onion Charged with Unfair Trade Practices

The Wolf Report has filed a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission alleging that the Internet humor site, The Onion, engages in unfair trade practices.

“The Onion is the WalMart of humor,” the complaint says. “Like the other WalMart, they use their huge size and enormous buying power to control the humor market, grabbing all the funniest headlines at substantial discounts, and forcing blogs like The Wolf Report to write stupid articles like ‘The Onion Charged With Unfair Trade Practices,’ in order to have something to post.”

“I agree,” said Chauncey Dillingham, an independent humor consultant who was invented for the purpose of having some sort of humorous quote. “This article, which you can see is barely amusing, if that, is exactly the kind of lame crap you’re left with once The Onion grabs all the good ideas. And it’s not just ideas: it’s execution, too. If I was being quoted in The Onion right now, instead of in The Wolf Report, their writers would have given me something really funny to say, and you’d be laughing your ass off, instead of wondering why this boring asshole is droning on, and on, and on, and dying for this article to end.”

Technorati Tags: Onion,Humor,Lame

Hotel Launches “Predator Friendly” Campaign after Booking Decline

The Hotel Sofitel New York has launched a $1M advertising and public relations campaign to lure back sexual predators after a hotel maid accused Dominique Strauss-Kahn, head of the IMF, of forcing her to perform oral sex on him. On the basis of her charges, Strauss-Kahn was arrested while attempting to leave the country, has been arraigned, and is now being held on $1M bail; many of the sexual predators who stay at the hotel have been cancelling reservations, dropping the occupancy rate by nearly half.

“Predators who want hotel accommodations in New York should realize that the maid who accused our guest was acting on her own, and not representing the hotel or its policies,” said a spokesman for the luxury hotel. “The complaint was entirely unauthorized. We regret the inconvenience that this irresponsible act has caused, and assure the public that this will not happen again.

“The Hotel Sofitel New York is proud of the predator-friendly policy under which the rich and powerful men who are our guests have been able to perform any sexual act, with or without consent, with any of our staff, and without complaint for years. With more than 30,000 such acts carried out at our hotel, we have had only this one complaint. It is unfortunate that the publicity has affected our hotel’s otherwise unblemished reputation.”

Insiders say that the hotel’s campaign, which led off with advertisements on online porn sites and in airline magazines has already had an enormous impact. New bookings are headed for record levels and the hotel is running full page advertisements for new staff, with bonuses for nuns, choir boys, and schoolgirls. The second part of the campaign will feature celebrity endorsements by Strauss-Khan himself, as well as Congressman Anthony Weiner, and actor Charlie Sheen.

Technorati Tags: Hotels,Predators,Strauss-Khan,Charlie Sheen,Anthony Weiner

Procrastinators’ Conference Postponed--Again

The First Annual Conference of the International Association of Procrastinators has been postponed, according to an announcement made today by Jim Little, Founder and President of the Association.

"The conference was supposed to be three weeks ago," Little explained, "but no one showed up because I'd forgotten to send out the conference announcement. Fortunately I also forgot to book the conference center and line up speakers, so no harm done.

"And there was no pressure to announce the postponement, which explains why it took until now for me to get around to it."

 Little claims that the Association has "millions of members."  "The numbers are hard to pin down," he says, "because our members keep putting off sending in their registration forms, partly because I keep putting off sending them out.

The First Annual Conference has been postponed 184 times during the 23 years of the organization’s existence.

According to Little, the new date for the meeting will be announced “very soon,” and posted on the Association's web site as soon as they have one.

Biblical Scholar: Jesus would have invaded Iraq

Duane Fitzsimmons, a Biblical scholar and computer scientist, has developed a computer program that predicts how Jesus would deal with modern challenges. The program, called WWJD, was calibrated against Jesus’ behavior in the Gospels of Mathew, Mark, and Luke, and correctly simulates Jesus’ behavior in the Gospel of John. Fitzsimmons has used WWJD to model Jesus’ response to challenges over the past 2,000 years.

“Over thousands of post-Biblical simulations WWJD’s predicted behavior for Jesus has been what one would have expected,” says Fitzsimmons. “In situation after situation, WWJD predicts that He would have chosen peace over war, charity over greed, generosity over selfishness. Then, surprisingly in the last few years, WWJD has predicted that Jesus would have reduced taxes on the rich, invaded both Afghanistan and Iraq, increased spending on the military, cut social welfare programs, and supported reprisals against Palestinians.”

Despite the unexpected results, Fitzsimmons is confident that the WWJD model is correct. “We don’t understand why WWJD gives the results that it does in modern simulations, but it’s an extremely complex program and not easy to understand. The fact that millions of American Christians, including a former President, seem to support these very same policies is encouraging. It’s hard to believe that both the WWJD program and all of these people could be wrong.”