Monday, October 22, 2007

CIA: Steel Cage Interrogation OK

General Michael V. Hayden, Director of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) announced today that the enhanced interrogation technique called Steel Cage Interrogation was not torture. Steel Cage Interrogation can continue to be used in all CIA intelligence gathering activities.

Modeled after the steel cage wrestling matches of the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) the interrogation technique has few rules. Interrogators can lift their subjects and drop them on their backs and heads, throw them onto folding tables or ladders, or can beat with chairs and garbage pails. They can also gouge their eyes, kick them in the face, head, back and groin, twisth their arms and legs, and smash them with their forearms, but not closed fists.

To ensure that subjects are not unduly abused, Steel Cage Interrogations are supervised by referees who are selected for high levels of inattention and distractibility. If an interrogator violates one of the rules of Steel Cage Interrogation—for example by choking a subject—the referee can insist that the interrogator stop choking within thirty seconds providing that the referee happens to notice what’s going on right in front of him. Failure to pay attention to a referee’s instructions can result in the interrogator forfeiting interrogation rights and the subject being allowed to keep his secrets.

“Steel Cage Interrogation has been a powerful tool in what we like to call ‘the arsenal of democracy,’ whenever we try to fool gullible citizens by applying lofty terms to brutal practices,” said a CIA spokesperson. “SCI is not torture. If it were, it would not be on television.”

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