Manilow no longer Barry

by Special Correspondent Matt

The Artist Formerly Known as Barry Manilow (TAFKABM) has revealed that like his presidential choice, Barack Obama, he is sick of the name Barry. He will release his next album, “Don’t Call Me Barry” under his new stage name, Barack Opincus.

Just after his bar mitzvah the former Manilow changed both his instrument—from accordion to piano—and his name—from Pincus to his mother's maiden name, Manilow. “Pincus is a good name for an accordion player,” he told a friend, “but Barry Pincus will never perform a #1 song, fill a concert hall with swooning gray-haired ladies, or even get laid. Barry Manilow will do them all.”

TAFKABM says Obama inspired him to make the latest change. “Names matter,” he said, “and you’ve got to move with the times. Barry Bama could have kept his original name and gone on to be a basketball player, if he could make the moves, or a pop star, if he could write the songs. But he couldn't be president. By changing his name to Barack Obama, well, yes he can.”

Obama Ties Go Beyond Lobbyists

The Wolf Report has learned that presidential candidate Barack Obama is not only tied to lobbyists, as reported in a front page article in USA Today (see here), but is also connected to criminals, mass murderers, Communists, Nazis, and Republicans. Obama’s is connected to Al Capone, Pol Pot, Josef Stalin, Adolf Hitler, and Dick Cheney, among others.

“We have determined that Barack Obama is linked—by as few as four degrees of separation—to a bone-chilling array of scurrilous and unsavory characters,” asserted Adam Firth, sensational assertions editor for The Wolf Report, USA Today, and ABC News. “For example Obama’s wife’s girlfriend’s cousin knows a man who once met OJ Simpson. And a man who met someone who contributed to Obama’s campaign has a cousin who once passed the house of a direct descendent of someone who might have been in the Gestapo.”

Obama’s links may be familial as well. According to a geneticist consulted by The Wolf Report, Obama’s DNA is “almost certain to be a 99% match” to the DNA of many war criminals, serial killers, and lawyers, as well as all of the people of Iran and North Korea. According to the expert, Hillary Rodham Clinton’s DNA is a likely match as well.

To scientifically test these assertions, The Wolf Report has requested DNA samples from the Clinton, Obama, and McCain campaigns. The McCain campaign has informed The Wolf Report that “all of John McCain’s DNA was forcibly and painfully removed by his North Vietnamese captors during his long, valiant, and heroic years of torture.” The Obama and Clinton campaigns have called the assertions "outrageous" and "insane" and have refused to cooperate.

“The people have the right to know all about the DNA of any candidates who have DNA,” said a McCain spokesperson. “We support The Wolf Report's efforts to learn the truth about the candidates.”

Candidates practicing phone calls at 3AM

The Wolf Report has learned that Presidential candidates Barack Obama, Hillary Rodham Clinton, and John McCain have all been practicing one of the skills most highly valued in a President: the ability to answer a phone call at 3AM.

Clinton began her training nearly three months before her TV ad campaign. “We started gradually,” said a campaign staffer, “with phone calls at around 1AM. The initial results were disappointing. When the phone rang Hillary would shriek ‘Bill, get the god damned phone, it’s probably one of your…” well, she used a phrase meaning ‘sexually available loose-valued young women.’ But after a few nights she was able to answer ‘President Hillary Rodham Clinton speaking, what’s is the situation.’

“From that point on,” the source continued, “we created phone scenarios of increasing difficulty while moving the calls back fifteen minutes at a time to 3AM, which we believe is the time that an attack would most likely to be mounted. By the time we ran the ads, she was ready.”

According to Obama staffers, he began his training just after the first Clinton ad was aired. “His ability was amazing,” said a staffer. “Our plan was to start with a 3AM call and then back off to an hour that was comfortable. But he was able to respond to the first crisis call and to every one since then with a perfectly nuanced, well articulated answer that showed both insight and compassion, toughness and empathy, strength and softness. Several times the people who were role-playing the crisis scenario were moved to tears and spontaneous applause.”

McCain staffers are confident that their candidate can answer the 3AM call if it comes. “For years, Senator McCain has been waking up at 3AM to deal with the personnel of the vivid dreams he’s had since his capture and torture by the North Vietnamese. We are sure he’ll handle a real 3AM crisis as ably as he deals with the imaginary ones, although hopefully with less yelling and shooting.”

Obama campaign re-clarifies “bitter” remarks

In an exclusive interview with The Wolf Report an unnamed, anonymous, unofficial representative of the Obama campaign clarified the previous clarification by an unnamed semi-official representative of the campaign of the earlier clarification by a campaign spokesman of Obama’s own clarification of his recent remarks after their initial obfuscation by opponent Hillary Rodham Clinton and further confusion, restatement, misquotation, and perversion of those remarks by named and unnamed, anonymous and attributed, official, semi-official, and unofficial representatives of the Clinton, McCain, Nader and emerging bin Laden campaigns (see story).

“Senator Obama was not referring to all small-town Americans when he made remarks referring to ‘bitter’ small-town voters who ‘cling to guns and religion,’ nor was he referring to just Republican small-town voters as stated in the second re-clarification, nor was he referring to Republican voters in a particular small town, as explained in the fifth. He was in fact referring a growing number of voters, who have now filed affidavits stating their position. I will read one of them, for the record: ‘I, Emmett J. Hoskins am a bitter small town voter. I cling bitterly to my gun, my religion, my family, my race, and my dog. I hate NAFTA, black people, and pretty much anybody from out of town. Nevertheless I will vote for Barack Obama in November because he stands up for people like me, because he is not afraid to say politically stupid things, and because he will pay me once elected president by enacting programs that will help me and bitter, small town, gun-toting, small-minded, bible thumping racists like me.’”

“I hope this puts the matter to rest.”

Bin Laden Considering Run for President

The Wolf Report has learned from close associates of terrorist leader Osama bin Laden that he is again considering his candidacy for President of the United States.

An announcement, if the plan moves forward, will likely be made along with the long-awaited Initial Public Offering (IPO) of Al-Qaeda, LLC, the terrorist leader's franchising organization and holding company.

An earlier plan, to announce bin Laden’s entry into the race just after simultaneous suicide bombings at McCain, Obama, and Clinton rallies was vetoed by bin Laden after focus groups held in his cave indicated it would “bring his numbers down.”

“In truth,” said a bin Laden campaign spokesman, “Osama bin Laden would be the only candidate who could end the so-called ‘war on terror.’ He can do it not by spending trillions but with a few words to his followers. And in cooperation with the United States—which he would give if elected President—he could resolve the situation in Iraq in days. This would release trillions of dollars which could then be used to rebuild America’s deteriorating infrastructures, educate and truly leave no child in America left behind, feed the poor not only in America but in the rest of the world, and usher in an era of peace and prosperity not seen since last Caliphate.”

The Wolf Report will continue to provide news as the campaign strategy evolves.

Iraq War Not That Funny Any More

According to an analysis just released by The Wolf Report, the Iraq War is not as funny as it used to be. While there was a surge in jokes around the time that the surge in troops began, the report points out that number of jokes has subsequently declined steadily.

“This is an unfair criticism of a very successful war,” said Adam Carlson, Public Relations Officer for the war. “First, we must be clear. The purpose of the war was never comedy, but rather entertainment. It has been highly successful, diverting, and entertaining war with high viewership and news-readership ratings, an enormous number of entertaining pro- and anti-war blogs and books, and with several major motion pictures completed and more on their way.

“Second it’s important to realize that the war’s story line has always included tragedy, drama, pathos, adventure, and sport as well as comedy. These are all components of an entertaining conflict and have all been exploited. A decline in the number of number of jokes related to an otherwise highly engaging war is not an indicator of the war’s over-all success.”

“Finally, despite the recent drop in jokes, the fact that both our allies and enemies are still laughing at us is evidence that the comedic aspect of the war continues to meet its objectives.

“It’s also important to remember that the war’s humorous tag lines—“shock and awe,” ‘WMD’s’, “mission accomplished,’ ‘stay the course’ and of course ‘surge’—have become funny only in retrospect. Contemporaneously they were all taken seriously. I predict that as events unfold that actions and statement that today are taken seriously will be looked backed upon as laughable and occasionally ridiculous.

“The Wolf Report report’s analysis is unfair not only to the people who invented and planned this war but also to the brave men and women who have worked so hard to bring it to its present state.

Democrats in Rocky Balboa Crisis

The Democratic Party’s nominating process has reached a crisis as Pennsylvanians decide whether Hillary Rodham Clinton or Barack Obama is the real Rocky Balboa.

“I’m the real Rocky Balboa, for several reasons” said Hillary Clinton to a cheering Philadelphia crowd. “First, I’m Rocky because I am the underdog, trailing in the delegate count. Second, I’m Rocky because I’m the underdog, trailing in the popular vote. Third, I’m Rocky because at this point everyone says I need a miracle to win. Just like Rocky.”

“While Hillary Clinton can claim to be Rocky Balboa,” said Barack Obama to a different cheering Philadelphia crowd, “let’s remember that Hillary Clinton did not start out as Rocky. She started out as Apollo Creed. Or as Clubber Lang. Or as Ivan Drago. Or as Mason Dixon. But not Rocky. She was Hillary Apollo Lang Drago Dixon Rodham Clinton and I was Rocky. The true underdog.

“Now she’s losing and suddenly she’s saying she’s Rocky. When Apollo Creed starting losing he couldn’t say: ‘Hold on, I’m Rocky because I’m losing.’ When Clubber Lang starting losing he couldn’t say: ‘Hold on, I’m Rocky because I’m losing.’ When Ivan Drago starting losing he couldn’t say: ‘Hold on, I’m Rocky because I’m losing’ When Mason Dixon starting losing he couldn’t say: ‘Hold on, I’m Rocky because I’m losing.’ They couldn’t say they were Rocky because once you are not Rocky you stay not Rocky.

"Hillary Apollo Lang Drago Dixon Rodham Clinton can not suddenly turn into Rocky because she’s losing.

“I was Rocky. I am Rocky. And I will be Rocky.”

“Actually,” said Republican John McCain to yet a different cheering crowd somewhere, possibly in Iraq, “I'm Rocky. I was always the underdog. I came back from the dead and defeated seven of the world's meanest, nastiest Republicans. And, most important--whether for being Rocky Balboa or for being President of the United States--I’m a white male. Let's not forget that.”

Obama older, whiter, maler than believed

The Obama campaign is adjusting its strategy in order to show Democratic candidate Barack Obama as the most electable Democrat in a face-off with old, white, male Republican candidate John McCain. In a press conference today the campaign positioned Obama as “older, whiter, and maler than people think.”

In a press conference today, Obama spokesperson John Levitt was joined by Hilton Prescott, chief scientist at the Oreo Institute, which measures the color-ratio of people who are black on the outside and white on the inside, Rocky Burke of the Testosterone Foundation, an organization which studies the maleness of public figures, and Bob Wilson from the AARP, a lobbying group for decrepit old people.

According to The Oreo Institute, a typical Oreo has black surfaces that are twice the size of its white center, which, is why a most Oreos measure 66% black, 33% white, and one percent additives and preservatives.

But the Institute's measurements of Obama shows that he is more than 61.5% white and growing whiter by the day. “We believe his whiteness is due to several factors.” Prescott explained. “First, Obama was raised by a white mother in a single parent family; second, he went to Harvard (which alone makes him nearly 19% whiter); and third and most important, because he is committed to be as white as he needs to be to represent a mostly white American public as their president.”

The Testosterone Institute reported that they had measured the testosterone level, the primary indicator of maleness, of all the candidates, and found that Obama’s level far exceeded McCain’s, making him the more male of the two candidates. “In fact,” said Burke, “Hillary Clinton’s testosterone level exceeds McCain’s by quite a bit, which should surprise no one who has studied her career.”

The press conference continued with a discussion of Obama’s age. “If elected Obama would be older than Presidents Ulysses Grant, Theodore Roosevelt, John Kennedy, and Bill Clinton, when they took office,” Wilson said. “And if you consider the effect of Alzheimers disease on a person’s mental age, Obama is actually older than Reagan was at the end of his second term.

The Obama campaign plans a series of event to spread the news about their candidate. “Can we claim that Obama is old enough, white enough and male enough to be president?” Asked Levitt.

“Yes, we can,” he replied, indicating that the question was rhetorical.

Republicans rally around unity candidate

In the wake of Ronald Reagan’s decision not to return from the dead (see TWR article here), warring Republican factions have at last found a candidate who brings them the unity they desperately need. Republicans once again have hope.

“Bible-thumping religious Republicans who like Huckabee, tight-fisted small-government Republicans who like McCain, position-shifting corporate Republicans who like Romney, and spendthrift red-ink Republicans who once liked George W. Bush all agree that they can unite only if one candidate—a true Republican unity candidate—is nominated,” said Dean Foster, spokesman for the Committee to Save the GOP From Itself (CSGOPFI). “ We Republicans need Hillary Clinton. For the Democrats, that is.”

“We’ve known this for a long time,” said Seth Burke, who founded the Republicans for Clinton for the Democrats (RFCFD) nearly two years ago. “Given our dismal record, the scandals that have emerged since the Democrats gained a majority in Congress, and the scandals that are certain to be revealed as the election grows closer, the Republican party’s only hope is to get the Democrats to nominate someone who people can hate even more than they will hate us in six months. There’s no one else. It’s Hillary.”

“Hillary Clinton appeals to a very broad demographic, with different people hating her for different reasons,” said David Turtletaub, a political pollster. “Some hate her for who she is. Others hate her because of who her husband is. Some hate her because she is bitchy. And still others hate her because she is manipulative. She’s got something for everyone. Whether you are young, old, black, white, male or female, if you are a Republican, there’s something to hate about Hillary.

The problem facing Republicans now is to ensure Hillary’s nomination. Republicans are pouring millions of dollars into Hillary Clinton’s campaign and working to get Clinton voters to the primary polls.

“Republicans need to stop worrying about who wins the Republican nomination and start worrying about who the Democrats nominate,” said Turtletaub. “If they run against Hillary, even Fred Thompson will win. But if Obama is the candidate, they’ve got problems.”

Hillary: “I’m rubber, you’re glue”

Facing an almost certain loss in a recent debate with candidate Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton finally found her voice. Turning to her opponent, she said: “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Everything bounces off me, and sticks to you.”

The stunned Obama was silent for a moment, and Clinton made a bold and risky move to press her advantage. She took him by the hand and said: “Touching black, no backs.”

“Clinton’s comment was clearly a racist insult,” said Odell Brown, spokesperson for the Obama campaign following the debate which analysts say that Clinton ultimately won. “Clinton is a racist, should be ashamed of herself.”

“She’s rubber, you’re glue,” said Carpenter Dillon, for the Clinton campaign. “What you just said just bounced off her and it’s sticking to you. So you’re a racist and should be ashamed of yourself. Nya nya. No backs.”

To guard against the rubber-glue strategy being used against her in the election, Clinton has registered herself as rubber and each of her potential Republican opponents as glue with the previously unknown Federal Office of Rubber and Glue, created by her husband during his first term.

The office, with a budget of $100M a year is responsible for enforcing “I’m rubber, you’re glue,” declarations throughout the United States.

It has no jurisdictional power over the rest of the world, and has refused to honor a declaration by Osama bin Laden that he is rubber and that George W. Bush is glue because bin Laden was in a cave in Afghanistan when he said it.

Republicans want Reagan to return from dead

Faced with splintered party and no unifying candidate, some Republican leaders are asking Ronald Reagan to return from the dead and head their ticket in November.

“Even dead, he’s the best candidate we’ve got,” said Daniel Rivers, chairman of the Committee to Resurrect Ronald Reagan Committee (CRRRC). “He’s the one person that people seem to be willing to rally around.”

Reagan, who was the 40th president of the United States, was not only popular with Republicans, but captured the admiration of many Democrats. He died in 2004. If re-elected, he would be 97 years old, more than 20 years older than the oldest Republican contender, John McCain.

“No one's denying that Reagan would be older than McCain,” said Rivers, “but McCain might die in office, leaving who-knows-what vice-president behind him. “Reagan’s already dead, so dying in office won't be a problem.”

“Reagan brings experience, charisma, and conservative credentials,” said Amanda Winter, another CRRRC member. “While he’s probably rotted quite a bit, I think the American people will not hold that against him.”

The former president says he is honored to be asked, according to Daniel Imelt, the psychic who communicates with him by Ouija board. “Reagan says he has not made up his mind on whether to run,” says Imelt. “Actually he said 'I have not made up my mind, assuming that I still have a mind,'” Imelt said. “Death has not slowed his wit.”

But not everyone agrees that Reagan is the best choice. “We’ve already tried a dead candidate,” said Andy Maroni, who works on the John McCain campaign, “and Fred Thompson couldn’t do it. It’s hard to believe that Reagan will be much better.

Pictures no longer worth 1000 words

Driven by rapidly increasing numbers of digital photographs, the benchmark Canon-Webster Picture-Words Index fell below 1000 words per picture for the first time today. Analysts expect it to go lower.

“It’s going a lot lower,” confirmed trader Byron Franklin. “We expect one picture to be worth as few as 100 words by the end of this year and drop further the next year.”

Data from the Sony-Webster futures market backs up Franklin’s view. Contracts for June pictures are trading for two hundred words per picture (WPP), and contracts for January 2009 picture are at an all-time low of 10 WPP. The January drop is based on projected digital camera gift-giving, snap-shooting and image-uploading next Christmas. Picture options and other picture derivatives show similar downward trends.

“This is the worst news we've had since a stitch in time saved only 8.7,” said Franklin.

A stitch in time currently trades at a historically low 2.3.

Edwards: “I promise to repeal unfair laws”

Democratic candidate John Edwards has promised that when he is elected he will work to repeal all unfair laws within thirty days. “This country is in trouble for one reason, and one reason only,” said Edwards in his new stump speech. “We have unfair laws that hurt us all.”

Among the laws cited by Edwards are the Law of Supply and Demand, The Law of Diminishing Returns, the Law of Conservation of Matter, the Law of Conservation of Energy, and the Law of Unintended Consequences.

“The Law of Unintended Consequences is the worst and it hurts us each and every day,” said Edwards. “I speak from personal experience. When I voted to invade Iraq, for example, I wanted to look like a patriotic American and support a quick victory. But due to the Law of Unintended Consequences I looked like a jerk and Iraq is a mess. That’s certainly not what I had in mind.”

According to Edwards, the Law of Unintended Consequences must be repealed first, so that the repealing the other laws will improve rather than destroy the economy, an possibly the universe.

Edwards, who has upbraided corporations for their “slavish obedience” to the law of Supply and Demand, the Law of Conservation of Matter the Law of Conservation of Energy and other laws believes that repealing the laws will fix the problem. “When we go to the greedy oil corporations and tell them to bring gasoline prices down to a more affordable 30 cents a gallon, they hide behind these laws and tell us we can’t do it. If we repeal these laws and replace them with better ones there will be no place to hide.”

Edwards campaign is not limiting itself to the repeal of the laws of physics and economics. “The laws of logic have to go too,” said a spokesperson. “They limit our policy options. Once we repeal the Aristotelian Law of Identity, then something can be other than itself. When we repeal the Law of Non-Contradiction, then something can be its opposite. And when we repeal the Law of The Excluded Middle then we can make statements that are neither true nor false, but something entirely different.”

“If we can just repeal these unfair laws we can eliminate poverty without incurring costs, balance the budget while increasing spending, end global warming without changing our lifestyle, both agree and disagree with any position at the same time without being hypocritical, leave Iraq immediately and completely while maintaining a large force that can keep the country stable and democratic, and ensure that any future policy proposal, no matter how wacky, makes total sense.”

Coughlin: Giants have plan to almost beat Patriots

Speaking to an attentive press corps, Giants’ coach Tom Coughlin announced that his team had developed a new game plan that was “certain to almost beat the Patriots.”

“We’ve spent the whole week studying all of the ways that some teams—including our own—have manage to almost beat them, and how the Patriots have adapted,” said Coughlin.

“There are a lot of elements to almost beating them, not just one. And they keep changing what you have to do to almost beat them. They’re a very, very tough team to almost beat,” he concluded..

“So we’ve looked at all the teams that almost beat the Patriots, the Colts in week 9, the Eagles in week 12, the Ravens in week 13, us in Week 16, and the Chargers in the playoffs, found that they all almost beat them in different ways. Then we came up with a new way to almost beat them that combines some of these things and some new things as well. With this game plan we're confident we can once again almost beat them.”

“Of course a lot of the key to almost beating them is attitude. I've talked to every person on our team and our coaching staff and we're all totally committed to almost beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl and almost spoiling their perfect season.”

“Now we just have to go out and execute.”

Bush loses Mideast peace plan before trip to region

What some have described as an “inspired plan to bring peace to the Middle East” was lost by President George W. Bush shortly before his trip to the region last week, The Wolf Report has learned. The plan, which Bush wrote on a single sheet of paper shortly after God revealed it to him in a dream, was either lost on the way to Andrews Air Force Base or on Bush's Air Force One flight to Israel.

“From what I have heard, it was a brilliant plan,” said a White House Source, who did not actually see the plan, but heard about it from someone who had not seen it either. “It would have brought peace to the region in just a few months, or at least that’s what I’ve been told. This loss has set this effort back substantially, from what I understand, by at least by several years, and possibly as much as a century.”

A thorough search of Air Force One by the Secret Service was unable to discover the Mideast peace plan, though it did turn up several other presidential plans including Richard Nixon’s secret plan for ending the war in Viet-Nam and George Bush senior’s plan to beat Bill Clinton in the 1992 election. The FBI is searching the route from the White House to Andrews where Bush boarded Air Force One, in hopes of finding the plan.

Anyone finding a piece of paper titled "Mideast Peace Plan" should call the White House and speak to the president’s Special Assistant for Inspired Plans.

Anyone who finds the plan should call the White House switchboard and inform the president’s Special Assistant for Inspired Plans.

New staph not just for gays

In a press conference held this morning, MRSA (methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus) has denied that it is a gay disease.

"We do not target any social, ethnic, religious, political, or economic group," said an MSRA spokescolony from its Petri dish. "We attack everyone the same way: with the full intention of bypassing the body's defenses, invading its systems, and spreading throughout the organism. We do not target gays. In fact many of our cells have said that they would themselves be gay if they weren't busy reproducing assexually."

To underscore its support for the gay community the staphlococcus strain will be attending a gay rights rally in San Francisco next week and a Republican Party fund raiser to be hosted by Senator Larry Craig.

New wall found in China

Authorities at the Chinese Ministry of Culture have announced the discovery of a one mile long protective wall more than a thousand years older than the 4,000 mile long Great Wall of China. The new wall is larger than any of the other, recently discovered Walls of China, including the two hundred foot long Little Wall of China, the 50 foot long Tiny Wall of China and the two foot long Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Wall of China.

The archaeologists who discovered the new wall had proposed naming it the Mediocre Wall of China but the Ministry of Culture has reserved that name for a rumored wall one tenth as high and half as long as the Great Wall. The newly discovered wall will be called either the Not So Great Wall of China or the So-so Wall of China. The wall will be open to the public in time for for the Olympics.

Clinton’s voice found again after being misplaced in Michigan

The voice that presidential candidate Hillary Clinton found in a snow bank in New Hampshire and which helped in her surprising victory in the primary there was the target of an intensive search by Clinton campaign staffers after the former first lady discovered that she had left it somewhere in Michigan.

“I’m just not used to remembering to take my new voice with me after I talk to people,” said Clinton, who gave several speeches and more than a dozen interviews before realizing that she was speaking with the old, bitchy voice that she’d used for many years.

“As soon as I realized I’d misplaced my new voice,” said Clinton, “I had my campaign staff stop everything, work over time, and search for it. They located it fourteen hours later in a coffee shop in Lansing where a waitress working the lunch shift had been using it to boost her tips.

“I think Hillary Clinton’s voice is even better for this experience,” said a Clinton campaign staffer. “If you listen to it now, you can hear an even greater sense of vulnerability. This is what a female presidential candidate’s voice needs to have in order to make her not seem like a cold, heartless, ambitious, calculating bitch.”

Bellichick strategy: score more points

The Wolf Report has discovered that the New England Patriots’ plan this season has been to win each game by scoring more points than the opposition. Under close questioning by The Wolf Report, Patriots coach Bill Bilichick has now confirmed the strategy. “I think most teams have figured out that what we’re doing by now,” said Belichick, “so I don’t think I have to keep it a secret.”

Belichick developed the strategy last season after analyzing the Patriots’ playoff loss to the Indianapolis Colts. “I kept asking myself: ‘How did we lose this one?’” Said Belichick. “We’d racked up so many yards, scored so many points, everything. So I went back and studied the game films and I got an idea. Then I looked at every game that we’d played since I got to the Patriots. In retrospect the pattern was clear: whenever we scored more points than the opposing team, we won the game. Whenever we didn’t, we lost. If you check the playoff films you’ll see that as well as we did, Indy scored more points, and that’s how they beat us.”

At the start of the season Belichick gathered his coaching staff and to try to get them to buy into his strategy. “At first, we were like, no way!” Said Dean Pees, Patriots Defensive Coordinator. “But Bill pulled out all the data he’d collected and showed us that winning had nothing to do with the number of times we blitzed, or sacks, or yards allowed, or even points allowed. It was simply a matter of who scores the most points.”

“That’s been pretty much the plan for season,” confirmed Tom Brady, the Patriots’ quarterback. “Coach told us: score more points than they do, and we’ll win. A couple of times when we were behind Coach said: “Score another touchdown and we’ll win.’ And I did, because I trust Coach. So far, he’s been right every time.”

Giuliani campaign calls for water boarding in place of debates

Citing the ease with which candidates can change their positions during debates in response to polls and surveys, a spokesperson for the Giuliani presidential campaign has proposed replacing the current debate format with televised water boarding.

“As most of us know,” said James McKee, Director of Desperate Measures for the Giuliani campaign, “water boarding helps obtain information that is difficult to get by other means. And what information could be move valuable to the American people than the true positions of candidates on such topics as 9/11, terrorism, the 9/11 terrorist attacks, attacks by terrorists such as the ones on 9/11, and other things such as the economy or whatever?”

“In our proposed format,” McKee continued, “candidates would be given two minutes to state their position on a topic such as Islamo-fascistic terrorist attacks on large buildings in New York City, for example. Then they would be water boarded for twenty minutes to find out what they really believed.”

“We believe this will not only help the American people discover what the candidates really believe, it will raise the debates’ low ratings and get more Americans involved.”