Bush Finds Virtual WMDs in Virtual Iraq

Frustrated with their inability to achieve even one of their goals in Iraq, the Bush administration has turned to Second Life, a popular on-line digital world accessible through the Internet. Anyone who signs up for Second Life is given a digital representation of themselves called an "avatar." Using their computer a subscriber can then cause their avatar to move, communicate, or act within Second Life's virtual world. A subscriber can change the appearance of his or her avatar, can purchase virtual land, and can create, purchase or be given virtual objects that the avatar can use, for example clothing, jewlery, Abrhams M1A1 Battle Tanks, or penises.

The Wolf Report has learned that two months ago all military personnel not on active duty in Iraq had been ordered to obtain memberships for Second Life, to make their avatars as large and ferocious as possible, and await further orders. A month ago avatars from the Virtual Quartermaster Corps arrived with standard issue military uniforms, penises, and tanks which were distributed to the waiting troops who were then ordered to occupy an area of land within Second Life called Virtual Iraq, or Viraq for short, because it is shorter.

Viraq is an elaborately detailed replica of real Iraq (or Riraq as it is now called) created by the United States complete with bombed out buildings, non-functioning utilities, long lines for gas and food, and unhappy avatars representing Iraqi citizens.

Shortly after taking up station in Viraq, avatars representing the 86th Virtual Airborne Corps discovered hundreds of caches of virtual weapons of mass virtual destruction. The digital weapons were immediately confiscated and samples will be displayed in a virtual press conference that will be announced as soon as there have been no administration scandals or embarrassments for a week, or December, whichever comes first.

"The first phase of Virtual Operation Virtually Enduring Virtual Freedom has been virtually a complete success," a spokesavatar confided to The Wolf Report. "We have found the WMDs. It is now just a matter of time before we capture virtual Saddam Hussein, virtually execute him in an appropriate manner, turn Viraq into a virtually stable, virtual democracy.