TWR Research Report: Technology is helping geeks get laid

Thousands of years ago cave geeks got slammed into rocks; dozens of years ago high-school geeks got slammed into lockers; and until very recently the choice that paleogeeks made—to evolve big brains instead of big muscles or big penises—looked like it wasn’t a good one. But the steady march of geek innovation, from yesterday’s wheel to today’s feature-phone has changed all that.

Big-brained geeks have now made the world technology-dependent—and geek-dependent, too. And that means that hot babes—who used to make fun of geeks—now need them, want them, and will perform sex acts with them just to make sure they can get high quality tech support.

“Sweet!” Said the individual known only by his handle, Ubergeek. He’s one of the geeks who create technology products that are both highly desirable to beautiful women and impossible to use without geek assistance.

“If a hot babe needs Windows configured,” Ubergeek explained, “or her address book switched to her new phone, or her MySpace home page fixed the way she wants, she knows that her handsome, muscular, personable jock boyfriend is going to be hopelessly inadequate when he has to face the obstacles that we geeks have put in the way of her happy, fulfilled life—just as we planned.”

“She has no choice: she has to call a geek”

Through Pavlovian conditioning and constant repetition, geeks are teaching hot chicks that they’re on their own if they mock geeks; and that a reputation for boffing geeks before, during, and after support calls gets a chick better, faster, and more personalized service.

“They learn slowly,” said Ubergeek, “but they do learn.”

Among geeks, their most honored peers are the ones at Microsoft who have created products that are nearly impossible to avoid and entirely impossible to use—without constant geek attention and accompanying sex acts.

And the most despised peers are the ones at Apple who create products that even the dumbest babes can use without geek help. “We think those engineers at Apple must all be queer,” said Ubergeek. “I can’t think of another reason they’d behave that way.”

But it’s not just hard-to-use technology that’s getting geeks laid more. As the technology craze builds the demand for products that only geeks can create, the limited supply of geeks along with the geek-created “law of supply and demand” drives geek compensation up, up, and up. Geeks who used to drive beaters now drive babe-magnet cars; savvy geeks flash the expensive high-tech bling that signals both financial and technical success to foxy women with expensive tastes and high-maintenance tech support needs. And it all leads inevitably to sex for geeks.

“It’s unfair,” said one handsome, six four jock after he lost his honey to a homely five-ten geek with a Ph.D. from MIT, a boatload of stock options, and the ability to satisfy a woman’s every tech desire. “I used to be surrounded by women, but now I call one up and she’s like ‘I’ve got this problem? I’m like booting? My PC? And, like, I get this—like—message?’ and I’m like ‘Booting?’ and she’s like ‘Goodbye, I’m calling a geek.’”